<h2><SPAN name="chap18"></SPAN>CHAPTER XVIII</h2>
<p class="letter">
I carry my qualification to the Navy Office—the nature of it—the
behaviour of the Secretary—Strap’s concern for my absence—a
battle betwixt him a blacksmith—the troublesome consequences of
it—his harangue to me—his friend the schoolmaster recommends me to
a French Apothecary, who entertains me as a journeyman</p>
<p>I would most willingly have gone home to sleep, but was told by my companions,
that we must deliver our letters of qualification at the Navy office, before
one o’clock. Accordingly, we went thither, and gave them to the
secretary, who opened and read them, and I was mightily pleased to find myself
qualified for second mate of a third-rate. When he had stuck them all together
on a file, one of our company asked if there were any vacancies; to which
interrogation he answered “No!” Then I ventured to inquire if many
ships were to be put in commission soon. At which question he surveyed me with
a look of ineffable contempt; and, pushing us out of his office, locked the
door without deigning us another word. We went down stairs, and conferred
together on our expectations, when I understood that each of them had been
recommended to one or other of the commissioners, and each of them promised the
first vacancy that should fall; but that none of them relied solely upon that
interest, without a present to the secretary, with whom some of the
commissioners went snacks. For which reason, each of them had provided a small
purse; and I was asked what I proposed to give. This was a vexatious question
to me who (far from being in a capacity to gratify a ravenous secretary) had
not wherewithal to purchase a dinner. I therefore answered, I had not yet
determined what to give; and sneaked off toward my own lodging, lamenting my
fate all the way, and inveighing with much bitterness against the barbarity of
my grandfather, and the sordid avarice of my relations, who left me a prey to
contempt and indigence.</p>
<p>Full of these disagreeable reflections, I arrived at the house where I lodged,
and relieved my landlord from great anxiety on my account; for this honest man
believed I had met with some dismal accident, and that he never should see me
again. Strap, who had come to visit me in the morning, understanding I had been
abroad all night, was almost distracted, and after having obtained leave of his
master, had gone in quest of me, though he was even more ignorant of the town
than I. Not being willing to inform the landlord of my adventure, I told him I
had met an acquaintance at Surgeons’ Hall, with whom I spent the evening
and night; but being very much infested with bugs, I had not slept much, and
therefore intended to take a little repose; so saying, I went to bed, and
desired to be awakened if Strap should happen to come while I should be asleep.
I was accordingly roused by my friend himself, who entered my chamber about
three o’clock in the afternoon, and presented a figure to my eyes that I
could scarce believe real. In short, this affectionate shaver, setting out
towards Surgeons’ Hall, had inquired for me there to no purpose: from
whence he found his way to the Navy Office, where he could hear no tidings of
me, because I was unknown to everybody then present; he afterwards went upon
’Change, in hopes of seeing me upon the Scotch walk, but without success.</p>
<p>At last, being almost in despair of finding me, he resolved to ask everybody he
met in the street, if perchance anyone could give him information about me! and
actually put his resolution in practice, in spite of the scoffs, curses, and
reproaches with which he was answered; until a blacksmith’s
’prentice seeing him stop a porter with a burden on his back, and hearing
his question, for which he received a hearty curse, called to him, and asked if
the person he inquired after was not a Scotchman? Strap replied with great
eagerness, “Yes, and had on a brown coat, with long skirts.”
“The same!” said the blacksmith. “I saw him pass by an hour
ago,” “Did you so?” cried Strap, rubbing his hands,
“Odd! I am very glad of that—which way went he?”
“Towards Tyburn in a cart,” said he, “if you make good speed,
you may get thither time enough to see him hanged.” This piece of wit
incensed my friend to such a degree, that he called the blacksmith scoundrel,
and protested he would fight him for half-a-farthing. “No, no!”
said the other, stripping; “I’ll have none of your money—you
Scotchmen seldom carry anything about you; but I’ll fight you for
love.” There was a ring immediately formed by the mob: and Strap, finding
he could not get off honourably without fighting, at the same time burning with
resentment against his adversary, quitted his clothes to the care of the
multitude, and the battle began with great violence on the side of Strap, who
in a few minutes exhausted his breath and spirits on his patient antagonist,
who sustained the assault with great coolness, till finding the barber quite
spent, he returned the blows he had lent him, with such interest, that Strap,
after having received three falls on the hard stones, gave out, and allowed the
blacksmith to be the better man.</p>
<p>The victory being thus decided, it was proposed to adjourn to a cellar hard by,
and drink friends. But when my friend began to gather up his clothes, he
perceived that some honest person or other had made free with his shirt,
neckcloth, hat, and wig, which were carried off; and probably his coat and
waistcoat would have met with the same fate, had they been worth stealing. It
was in vain for him to make a noise, which only yielded mirth to the
spectators; he was fain to get off in this manner, which he accomplished with
much difficulty and appeared before me all besmeared with blood and dirt.
Notwithstanding this misfortune, such was his transport at finding me safe and
sound, that he had almost stifled and stunk me to death with his embraces.
After he had cleaned himself, and put on one of my shirts, and a woollen
nightcap, I recounted to him the particulars of my night’s campaign,
which filled him with admiration, and made him repeat with great energy an
observation which was often in his mouth, namely, ‘that surely London is
the devil’s drawing-room.’ As neither of us had dined, he desired
me to get up, and the milkwoman coming round at that instant, he went
downstairs, and brought up a quart, with a penny loaf, on which we made a
comfortable meal. He then shared his money with me, which amounted to
eighteen-pence, and left me with an intention to borrow an old wig and hat of
his friend the schoolmaster.</p>
<p>He was no sooner gone, than I began to consider my situation with great
uneasiness, and revolved all the schemes my imagination could suggest, in order
to choose and pursue some one that would procure me bread; for it is impossible
to express the pangs I felt, when I reflected on the miserable dependence in
which I lived at the expense of a poor barber’s boy. My pride took the
alarm, and having no hopes of succeeding at the Navy Office, I came to a
resolution of enlisting in the foot-guards next day, be the event what it
would. This extravagant design, by flattering my disposition, gave great
satisfaction; and I was charging the enemy at the head of my own regiment, when
Strap’s return interrupted my reverie. The schoolmaster had made him a
present of the tie-wig which he wore, when I was introduced to him, together
with an old hat, whose brims would have overshadowed a Colossus. Though Strap
had ventured to wear them in the dusk, he did not choose to entertain the mob
by day; therefore went to work immediately, and reduced them both to a moderate
size. While he was employed in this office, he addressed me thus: “To be
sure, Mr. Random, you are born a gentleman, and have a great deal of
learning—and, indeed, look like a gentleman; for, as to person, you may
hold up your head with the best of them. On the other hand, I am a poor but
honest cobbler’s son: my mother was as industrious a woman as ever broke
bread, till such time as she took to drinking, which you very well know; but
everybody has failings—Humanum est errare. Now myself, I am a poor
journeyman barber, tolerably well made and understand some Latin, and have a
smattering of Greek; but what of that? Perhaps I might also say, that I know a
little of the world; but that is to no purpose,—though you be gentle, and
I simple, it does not follow, but that I who am simple may do a good office to
you who are gentle. Now this is the case: my kinsman, the
schoolmaster—perhaps you did not know how nearly he is related to
me—I’ll satisfy you in that presently; his mother and my
grandmother’s sister’s nephew—no, that’s not
it!—my grandfather’s brother’s daughter—rabbit it! I
have forgot the degree. But this I know, he and I are cousins seven times
removed.” My impatience to know the good office he had done me, got the
better of my temper, and I interrupted him at this place with the exclamation,
“If the schoolmaster or you can be of any advantage to me, why
don’t you tell me without all this preamble?” When I pronounced
these words with some vehemence, Strap looked at me for same time with a grave
countenance, and then went on: “I’m very sorry to see such an
alteration in your temper of late; you were always fiery, but now you are grown
as crabbed as old Periwinkle the drunken tinker, on whom you and I (God forgive
us!) played so many unlucky tricks while we were at school—but I will no
longer detain you in suspense, because (doubtless) nothing is more uneasy than
doubt—Dubio procul dubio nil dubius. My friend or relation, or which you
will, or both, the schoolmaster, being informed of the regard I have for you;
for you may be sure I did not fail to let him know of your good
qualities—by the bye, he has undertaken to teach you the pronunciation of
the English tongue, without which, he says, you will be unfit for business in
this country—I say my relation has spoke in your behalf to a French
apothecary who wants a journeyman; and on his recommendation you may have
fifteen pounds a year, bed and board, whenever you please.” I was too
much interested in this piece of news to entertain it with indifference; but,
jumping up, insisted on Strap’s immediately accompanying me to the house
of his friend, that I might not lose this opportunity through the least delay
or neglect on my part.</p>
<p>We were informed, that the schoolmaster was in company at a publichouse in the
neighbourhood, whither we repaired, and found him drinking with the very
individual apothecary in question. When he was called to the door at our
desire, and observed my impatience, he broke out into his usual term of
admiration. “Oh! I suppose, when you heard of this offer, you did not
take leisure enough to come downstairs, but leaped out of the window: did you
overturn no porter nor oyster-woman in your way? It was a mercy of God you did
not knock your brains out against some post in your career. Oh, my conscience!
I believe, had I been in the inmost recesses of my habitation—the very
penetralia—your eagerness would have surmounted bolts, bars, decency, and
everything. The den of Cacus, or sanctum sanctorum, could not have hid me from
you. But come along the gentleman of whom I spoke is in the house; I will
present you to him forthwith.” When I entered the room, I perceived four
or five people smoking, one of whom the schoolmaster accosted thus: “Mr.
Lavement, here’s the young man of whom I spoke to you.” The
apothecary, who was a little old withered man, with a forehead about an inch
high, a nose turned up at the end, large cheek-bones that helped to form a pit
for his little gray eyes, a great bag of loose skin hanging down on each side
in wrinkles, like the alforjos of a baboon, and a mouth so much accustomed to
that contraction which produces grinning, that he could not pronounce a
syllable without discovering the remains of his teeth, which consisted of four
yellow fangs, not improperly, by anatomists, called canine. This person, I say,
after having eyed me some time, said, “Oho, ’tis ver well, Monsieur
Concordance; young man, you are ver welcome, take one coup of bierre—and
come to mine house to-morrow morning; Monsieur Concordance vil show you de
way.” Upon this I made my bow, and as I went out of the room could hear
him say, “Ma foi! c’est un beau garçon; c’est un
gaillard.”</p>
<p>As I had by my own application, while I served Crab, acquired the French tongue
well enough to read authors written in that language and understand anything
that occurred in conversation, I determined to pretend ignorance to my new
master, that he and his family, whom I supposed to be of the same country, not
being on the reserve before me, I might possibly discover something in
discourse, which would either yield me amusement or advantage. Next morning Mr.
Concordance carried me to the apothecary’s house, where the bargain was
made, and orders given to provide an apartment for me immediately. But before I
entered upon business the schoolmaster recommended me to his tailor, who gave
me credit for a suit of clothes, to be paid out of the first moiety of my
wages, and they were begun upon that very day; he afterwards accommodated me
with a new hat on the same term: so that in a few days I hoped to make a very
fashionable appearance. In the meantime, Strap conveyed my baggage to the place
allotted for me, which was a back room up two pair of stairs, furnished with a
pallet for me to lie upon, a chair without a back, a bottle by way of
candlestick, and a triangular piece of glass instead of a mirror; the rest of
its ornaments having been lately removed to one of the garrets, for the
convenience of the servant of an Irish captain, who lodged in the first floor.</p>
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