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Peeps at People - Being Certain Papers from the Writings of Anne Warrington Witherup (Dramatic Reading)

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<h2>EMPEROR WILLIAM</h2> After recovering from the attack of nervous prostration which was the natural result of my short visit to Gloomster Abbey, acting on my[Pg 33] physician's advice I left England for a time. Finding myself, some weeks later, in Berlin, I resolved to call upon his Imperial Highness William the Second, better known as the Yellow Kid of Potsdam. I experienced some difficulty at first in reaching the Emperor. Royalty is so hedged about by etiquette that it seemed almost impossible that I should get an audience with him at all. He was most charming about the matter, but, as he said in his note to me, he could not forget the difference[Pg 34] in our respective stations in life. For an Emperor to consent to receive a plain American newspaper woman was out of the question. He could be interviewed incog., however, as Mr. William Hohenzollern, if that would suit my wishes. I replied instantly that it was not Mr. William Hohenzollern that I wished to interview, but the German Emperor, and unless I could see him as Emperor I did not wish to see him at all. I added that I might come incog. myself if all that was necessary to make the whole thing regular was that I should appear to be on a social level with him, and instead of calling as Miss Witherup I could call as the Marchioness of Spuyten Duyville, or, if he preferred, Princess of Haarlem Heights, to both of which titles, I assured him, I had as valid a claim as any other lady journalist in the world—in fact, more so, since they were both of my own invention. Whether it was the independence of my action or the novelty of the situation that brought it about I do not know, but the[Pg 35] return mail brought a command from the Emperor to the Princess of Haarlem Heights to attend a royal fête given in her honor at the Potsdam Palace the next morning at twenty minutes after eleven. <div class="figright"> <ANTIMG src="images/ill_010.jpg" width-obs="301" height-obs="400" alt="" /> EXAMINING HIMSELF</div> I was there on the stroke of the hour, and found his Imperial Highness sitting on a small gilt throne surrounded by mirrors, having his tintype taken. This is one of the Emperor's daily duties, and one which he has never neglected from the day of his birth. He has a complete set of these tintypes ranged about the walls of his private sanctum in the form of a frieze, and he frequently spends hours at a time seated on a step-ladder examining himself as he looked on certain days in the past. He smiled affably as the Grand High Chamberlain announced "The Princess of Haarlem Heights," and on my entrance threw me one of his imperial gloves to shake. "Hoch!" he cried as he did so. [Pg 36] "Ditto hic," I answered, with my most charming smile. "I hope I do not disturb you, my dear Emperor?" "Not in the least," he replied. "Nothing disturbs us. We are the very centre of equanimity. We are a sort of human Gibraltar which nothing can move. It is a nice day out," he added. "Most charming," said I. "Indeed, a nicer day out than this no one could wish for." "We are glad you find it so, madame." "Excuse me, sire," I said, firmly—"Princess." "Indeed yes. We had forgotten," he replied, with a courteous wave of his hand. "It could not be otherwise. We are glad, Princess, that you find the day nice out. We ordered it so, and it is pleasant to feel that what we do for the world is appreciated. We shall not ask you why you have sought this interview," he continued. "We can quite understand, without wasting our time on frivolous questions, why any one, even a beautiful American like yourself, should wish to see us in person. Are you in Berlin for long?" "Only until next Thursday, sire," I replied. "What a pity!" he commented, rising from the throne and stroking his mustache before one of the mirrors. "What a tremendous pity! We should have been pleased to have had you with us longer." "Emperor," said I, "this is no time for vain compliments, however pleasing to me they may be. Let us get down to business. Let us talk about the great problems of the day." "As you will, Princess," he replied. "To begin with, we were born—" "Pardon me, sire," I interrupted. "But I know all about your history." "They study us in your schools, do they? Ah, well, they do rightly," said the Emperor, with a wink of satisfaction at himself in the glass. "They indeed do rightly to study us. When one considers[Pg 37] [Pg 38] what we are the result of! Far back, Princess, in the days of Thor, the original plans for William Second were made. This person, whom we have the distinguished and sacred honor to be, was contemplated in the days when chaos ruled. Gods have dreamed of him; goddesses have sighed for him; epochs have shed bitter tears because he was not yet; and finally he is here, in us—incarnate sublimity that we are!" The Emperor thumped his chest proudly as he spoke, until the gold on his uniform fairly rang. "Are we—ah—are we appreciated in America?" he asked. "To the full, Emperor—to the full!" I replied, instantly. "I do not know any country on the face of this grand green earth where you are quoted more often at your full value than with us." "And—ah," he added, with a slight coyness of manner—"we are—ah—supposed to be at what you Americans call par and a premium, eh?" [Pg 39] "Emperor," said I, "you are known to us as yourself." "Madame—or rather Princess," he cried, ecstatically, "you could not have praised us more highly." He touched an electric button as he spoke, and instantly a Buttons appeared. "The iron cross!" he cried. "Not for me—oh, sire—not for me?" said I, almost swooning with joy. "No, Princess, not for you," said the Emperor. "For ourself. We shall give you one of the buttons off our imperial coat. It is our habit every morning at this hour to decorate our imperial self, and we have rung for the usual thing just as you Americans would ring for a Manhattan cocktail." "What!" I cried, wondering at the man's marvellous acquaintance with the slightest details of American life. "You know the—Manhattan cocktail?" <div class="figright"> <ANTIMG src="images/ill_011.jpg" width-obs="500" height-obs="197" alt="" /> THE IMPERIAL BAND</div> "Princess," said the Emperor, proudly, "we know everything." [Pg 40] And this was the man they call Willie-boy in London! "Emperor," said I, "about the partition of China?" "Well," said he, "what of the partition of China?" "Is it to be partitioned?" The Emperor's eye twinkled. "We have not yet read the morning papers, Princess," he said. "But we judge, from what we saw in the society news of last night's Fliegende Choynal, that there will be a military ball at Peking shortly, and that the affair will end brilliantly with a—ah—a German." "Good!" said I. "And you will really fight England?" "Why not?" said he, with a smile at the looking-glass. "Your grandmother?" I queried, with a slight shake of my head, in deprecation of a family row. "She calls us Billie!" he cried, passionately. "Grandmothers can do a great many things, Princess, but no grandmother that Heaven ever sent into this world shall call us Billie with impunity." <div class="figleft"> <ANTIMG src="images/ill_012.jpg" width-obs="357" height-obs="400" alt="" /> "'WE ARE HAVING OUR PORTRAITS PAINTED'"</div> I was silent for a moment. "Still, Emperor," I said, at last, "England has been very good to you. She has furnished you with all the coal your ships needed to steam into Chinese waters. Surely that was the act of a grandmother. You wouldn't fight her after that?" "We will, if she'll lend us ammunition for our guns," said the Emperor, gloomily. "If she won't do that, then of course there will be no war. But, Princess, let us talk of other things. Have you heard our latest musical composition?" I frankly confessed that I had not, and the imperial band was called up and ordered to play the Emperor's new march. It was very moving and made me somewhat homesick; for, after all, with all due respect to William's originality, it was nothing more than a slightly Prussianized rendering of "All Coons Look Alike to Me." However, I praised the work, and added that I had heard nothing like it in Wagner,[Pg 41] which seemed to please the Emperor very much. I have since heard that as a composer he resents Wagner, and attributes the success of the latter merely to that accident of birth which brought the composer into the world a half-century before William had his chance. "And now, Princess," he observed, as the music ceased, "your audience is over. We are to have our portrait painted at mid-day, and the hour has[Pg 42] come. Assure your people of our undying regard. You may kiss our little finger." "And will not your Majesty honor me with his autograph?" I asked, holding out my book, after I had kissed his little finger. "With pleasure," said he, taking the book and complying with my request[Pg 43] as follows: "Faithfully your War Lord and Master, "Me." Wasn't it characteristic! <hr class="chap" />[Pg 44] <div style="break-after:column;"></div>

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