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Romancers

<h5 id="id00254">ACT II</h5> <h5 id="id00255">SCENE: The same, except that the wall has disappeared. The benches which were formerly against it are removed to the extreme right and left. There are a few extra pots of flowers and two or three plaster statues. To the right is a small garden table, with chairs about it.</h5> As the curtain rises, PASQUINOT is sitting on the bench to the left, reading a paper. BLAISE is at the back, busy with his rake. BLAISE. So the notary comes to-night, Monsieur Pasquinot? It is pleasant, now that the wall is down, and you living together this past month. It was high time, I'm thinking. The little lovers must be happy! PASQUINOT. [Raising his head and looking about] So you like it without the wall, Blaise? BLAISE. The garden is superb! PASQUINOT. Yes, my property has increased a hundred per cent! [Poking a tuft of grass with his foot] Have you watered the grass? [Furiously] You have no business doing that during the day! BLAISE. But Monsieur Bergamin told me to! PASQUINOT. Ah, I see! He seems to think that the more grass is watered the better it becomes. Well, take those plants out of the green-house. [As BLAISE begins arranging plants which he gets from the green-house—just off-stage—enter BERGAMIN at the back.] BERGAMIN. [Watering some flowers from a large watering can] Dear me, these plants never get enough water! [To a tree] Hey there, old man, you never get enough to drink, do you? There's for you! [Laying down the watering can, he looks about him with satisfaction.] Yes, it is better now. Very pretty—those statues there are a decided improvement. [Catching sight of PASQUINOT] How are you? [No answer.] How are you? How are you? [PASQUINOT raises his head.] Well? PASQUINOT. My friend, why ask that? We see each other all the time! BERGAMIN. Oh, very well. [Seeing BLAISE arranging the plants] Will you take those plants back?! [BLAISE, not knowing what to do, takes them back immediately. PASQUINOT raises his eyes, shrugs his shoulders, and then resumes his reading. BERGAMIN walks back and forth, and finally sits down near PASQUINOT. There is a pause.] I used to come here every day, in silence— PASQUINOT. [Laying aside his paper] I, too—it was most amusing! BERGAMIN. And our secret! PASQUINOT. The very danger was amusing. BERGAMIN. And the things we had to say of each other—! PASQUINOT. Very amusing.—Bergamin? BERGAMIN. Pasquinot? PASQUINOT. Something's lacking now. BERGAMIN. The idea! [After a moment's reflection] Yes, I agree with you. Funny—are you losing your sense of the romantic? [He looks at PASQUINOT and says, aside] His waistcoat often lacks a button! It's disgusting! [He rises and walks back and forth.] PASQUINOT. [Looking over his paper—aside] He looks like some immense beetle. [He pretends to be reading as BERGAMIN passes him.] BERGAMIN. [Aside] See the ridiculous way he reads! [He whistles as he walks away up-stage.] PASQUINOT. [Aside] Whistling! Oh, Heavens! Don't do that, whistling makes me nervous. BERGAMIN. [With a smile] Remember the mote in your neighbor's eye. You, too, get on my nerves sometimes. <h5 id="id00278">PASQUINOT. I?</h5> BERGAMIN. You tell the same story twenty times a day. PASQUINOT. Why, I— BERGAMIN. And when you sit down you swing your foot like a pendulum. At meals you roll your bread in a most disgusting manner. PASQUINOT. Ha, you take me to task for my irritating mannerisms! But let me tell you, you are no less unpleasant. You are ridiculous and thoroughly selfish. I know now what the trouble is: the wall— with it, we were happy, now we don't live at all. BERGAMIN. We didn't do this for ourselves, did we? PASQUINOT. No, we did not! BERGAMIN. It was for our children. PASQUINOT. For our children, yes. Let us therefore suffer in silence, and regret our former liberty. BERGAMIN. Sacrifice is the lot of parents. [SYLVETTE and PERCINET appear at the left, up stage, arm in arm.] PASQUINOT. Sh—the lovers! BERGAMIN. [Looking at them] See them! How they love each other! Like the old pilgrims of love, they return each day to the sacred spot. [The lovers, who have meantime disappeared, re-appear on the opposite side of the stage, and come down toward the old men.] PASQUINOT. If they are talking as they usually do, their conversation will be well worth listening to! [BERGAMIN and PASQUINOT retire behind a tree.] PERCINET. I love you. SYLVETTE. I love you. [They stop.] Here is the famous spot. PERCINET. Yes. He fell here, that big fellow, pierced to the heart. SYLVETTE. There was I, like Andromeda. PERCINET. And I was Perseus! SYLVETTE. How many were there against you? PERCINET. Ten! SYLVETTE. Oh, there were twenty at least, not counting the big leader. PERCINET. Or thirty—there must have been! SYLVETTE. Tell me once more how it was accomplished? PERCINET. They fell—like cards in a row! SYLVETTE. Our story should be put into a poem! PERCINET. It shall be. SYLVETTE. How I love you! PERCINET. I adore you! SYLVETTE. A realized dream. How my heart beats! I would never think of marrying a commonplace little husband picked out by my father! PERCINET. Indeed? SYLVETTE. No, no, not the way husbands are usually given to young girls. PERCINET. No, you would never have thought of marrying the son of your father's best friend. SYLVETTE. [Laughing] Indeed not. Have you noticed how our fathers have lately—? PERCINET. Yes, like two dogs. BERGAMIN. [Aside] Hm! PERCINET. And I know the reason why. This new arrangement is not the best thing for their property. Our fathers are very good people, you know, but they haven't much soul, and our brilliant adventure rather throws them into the shade— PASQUINOT. [Aside] How's that? SYLVETTE. You see, they are fathers of celebrated lovers. Poor fathers, how they have been deceived! PASQUINOT. [Aside] Ha, ha! PERCINET. Yes, fate has been with us! BERGAMIN. [Aside] Ha, ha! SYLVETTE. And to-night the marriage-contract is to be signed! PERCINET. I must have musicians. SYLVETTE. Then go quick. PERCINET. I fly! SYLVETTE. [Calling him back] I'll take you as far as the gate. [They go up-stage, arm in arm.] We are at least as great as the most celebrated lovers. PERCINET. We shall take our place with Romeo and Juliet! SYLVETTE. Aminta and her shepherd. PERCINET. Pyramus and Thisbe. SYLVETTE. And so many others! [They disappear, but their voices are heard outside.] Voice of PERCINET. Francesca and Paolo. Voice of SYLVETTE. Petrarch and Laura. [BERGAMIN and PASQUINOT emerge.] PASQUINOT. See how well your plan has succeeded! Our children are quite mad, thanks to you! BERGAMIN. Your daughter, with her famous abduction, is most aggravating. PASQUINOT. Your son thinks he is a hero. He gets on my nerves. BERGAMIN. But the worst of it all is that they think we are two idiotic old fools whom they have deceived. I don't like it at all. PASQUINOT. Why didn't you think of it before, wise man? I'm going to tell them everything. BERGAMIN. No, please don't do that—at least not until after the signing of the contract. Let us not say a word until then. PASQUINOT. Very well. But meantime, here we are caught in the net of your own making. BERGAMIN. But my dear friend, you admired the plan! PASQUINOT. A fine plan, in truth! [SYLVETTE enters gaily, with flowers in her hand. She waves to PERCINET in the distance, then comes down-stage.] SYLVETTE. Good-day, Papa. Good-day, Father-in-law to-be! BERGAMIN. Good-day, daughter-in-law to-be! SYLVETTE. My, my, what a bad humor you are in! BERGAMIN. It's Pasquinot's fault—he—he— SYLVETTE. [Waving her flowers in BERGAMIN's face] Sh! Please don't quarrel. Of course, I understand, you can't behave quite as old friends, and you like to quarrel a little, in a friendly way— BERGAMIN. Of course, our hatred was so great! SYLVETTE. A mortal hatred, too! When I think what you've said about Papa—oh, dear! I used to sit by the wall and hear every word! And to think you never once suspected that I came there to meet Percinet— PASQUINOT. [Ironically] Ah, I— SYLVETTE. We came every day at the same hour. [To BERGAMIN] Ha, ha, I can still hear Percinet telling you that he was going to marry—"most romantically"! And he kept his word! BERGAMIN. [Put out] Really? And do you think that if I had wished—? SYLVETTE. Now, now, now! I know lovers' dreams are always realized, and that fathers who are mortal enemies always end by falling into each other's arms. PASQUINOT. Oh, let me laugh! SYLVETTE. But we proved it! BERGAMIN. I could say something— SYLVETTE. What? BERGAMIN. Nothing! SYLVETTE. [To BERGAMIN] You seem changed. What do you mean? BERGAMIN. I mean— PASQUINOT. Why, with one word, we could— [Aside] I can't tell her! [He walks up-stage two or three steps.] SYLVETTE. Well, if you have nothing to say, why not keep still? PASQUINOT. [Angrily] Keep still? Nothing to say? Do you imagine that everything just happened? How do you think people could come into my park through the iron gates? BERGAMIN. Do you imagine for one instant that young ladies are carried off like that nowadays? SYLVETTE. Do I—? What are you saying? BERGAMIN. That will do! It is high time you knew the truth. I tell you, the victory was on the side of the old men! SYLVETTE. But— PASQUINOT. In old plays the father was always the dupe. Nowadays, we do the duping! Would either of you have loved the other if you had been told to do so? No. SYLVETTE. Then perhaps you suspected—? PASQUINOT. Of course we did. SYLVETTE. Our meetings? BERGAMIN. I heard you every time! SYLVETTE. But the benches? PASQUINOT. We put them there on purpose. SYLVETTE. The duel? BERGAMIN. A trick—prepared beforehand. SYLVETTE. The bravadoes? PASQUINOT. Actors! SYLVETTE. Then my abduction—? It was all a joke! BERGAMIN. [Searching in his pocket] Joke? Here's the bill! SYLVETTE. [Snatching the bill from him] Give it to me! [She reads] "Straforel, Confidential affairs: One abduction, setting and scenery—for purposes of bringing about a marriage—" Oh! "Eight assistants at five francs a head; eight masks—" BERGAMIN. [To PASQUINOT] I think we told her too soon! SYLVETTE. [Continuing] "One sedan-chair, with porters; latest style, with red trimmings—" [Laughing, she throws the bill on the table.] PASQUINOT. Then she isn't angry? SYLVETTE. [Graciously] A charming idea! But, truly, Monsieur Bergamin, do you think I love Percinet merely because of your trick? PASQUINOT. She takes it very well. BERGAMIN. [To SYLVETTE] You're not offended? PASQUINOT. Are you going to tell Percinet? SYLVETTE. Oh, no. Men are so stupid! BERGAMIN. Very sensible. But I had an idea— [Taking out his watch] Now we must see about the contract. [Offering his hand to SYLVETTE] We are still good friends? SYLVETTE. Of course! BERGAMIN. [Turning about once more before he goes out] You don't blame me, do you? SYLVETTE. [Sweetly] Not in the least! [BERGAMIN and PASQUINOT go out. As they leave, SYLVETTE bursts into a rage.] How I hate that Monsieur Bergamin! [Enter PERCINET.] PERCINET. Still here? Ah, I see; you did not want to leave this sacred spot— SYLVETTE. [Sitting on the bench to the left] Outrageous! PERCINET. There is where you saw me, like Amadis, put to flight thirty of the ruffians! SYLVETTE. No: ten! PERCINET. [Going to her] Dearest, what is the matter? Are you troubled? Your eyes are not so bright as they were. I know! This marvelous place makes you sad sometimes. Are you sad because our balcony—our Verona balcony—is destroyed? SYLVETTE. [Impatiently] Oh, dear! PERCINET. But does not the wall still exist in our memories? That wall which cradled our love— SYLVETTE. [Aside:] Will he never end! PERCINET. You remember not long ago, you said our story should be put into a poem? SYLVETTE. Yes? PERCINET. Well, I have occasionally written verses. SYLVETTE. Are you going to write our story? PERCINET. Listen to this; I thought it out when I was walking. "The Fathers who are Mortal Enemies." First canto— SYLVETTE. Oh! PERCINET. [Ready to declaim] Er— SYLVETTE. Oh! PERCINET. What is the matter? SYLVETTE. I imagine I am too happy—I'm nervous—I don't feel well. [She bursts into tears.] I'll be well in a moment. Let me be! [She turns her back and hides her face in a handkerchief.] PERCINET. [Surprised] I'll leave you for a moment. [Aside] On a day like this, it's only too natural— [He goes to the right, sees the bill on the table, takes a pencil from his pocket, and sits down.] I'll just jot down those lines. [He picks up the bill, and starts to write; notices the writing and reads aloud] "I, Straforel, having pretended to be killed by a sword-thrust from a foolish young blade, hereby render account for torn clothes and wounded pride: forty francs." [Smiling] What is it? [He continues reading to himself, and his smile dies away.] SYLVETTE. [Wiping her eyes] He would fall from the clouds if he knew! I must be careful! PERCINET. [Rising] Well, well, well! SYLVETTE. [Going toward him] What is it? PERCINET. [Hiding the bill] Nothing. [Aside] Now I see why the body was never found! SYLVETTE. [Turning around to show PERCINET her dress] You've said nothing about my dress to-day? PERCINET. [Preoccupied] Blue is not becoming. I always prefer you in pink. SYLVETTE. [Aside] What is the matter? Can he have found out? [She looks toward the table.] The bill? [She runs to the table.] PERCINET. What are you looking for? SYLVETTE. Nothing.—Now let me hear your poem. PERCINET. No. SYLVETTE. Please! PERCINET. No. SYLVETTE. But I want to hear it. PERCINET. The verses are not good. SYLVETTE. Oh! [Aside] I think he knows! PERCINET. [Aside] I think she knows! BOTH. [Each to the other] You know!? [After a pause, they laugh.] Ha, ha, ha! PERCINET. Isn't it funny? SYLVETTE. Very. PERCINET. We were made to play a farce—our fathers were the best of friends all the time! SYLVETTE. Good neighbors. PERCINET. I'll warrant they are cousins, too! SYLVETTE. [Bowing] I am about to marry my cousin! PERCINET. My cousin! SYLVETTE. How nice and respectable! PERCINET. Classic! SYLVETTE. Of course, I had dreamed of a marriage more—but it is comforting to know that our love coincides with our—duty! PERCINET. And the material interests of our fathers. SYLVETTE. An excellent marriage, in short: a marriage of convenience! And our poor idyl! PERCINET. Gone. SYLVETTE. Gone! So I'm the good little girl of the family! PERCINET. And I the obedient little son! But it was only as Romeo that I appealed to you! SYLVETTE. Well, you are no longer that! PERCINET. And do you think you are Juliet? SYLVETTE. Now you're bitter. PERCINET. And you cynical. SYLVETTE. If you were ridiculous, is it my fault? PERCINET. I at least had a partner! SYLVETTE. I, too! Poor Blue Bird, you are beautifully plucked! PERCINET. [Bitterly] A pre-arranged abduction! SYLVETTE. Farce, all of it! PERCINET. And I your savior! All our poetry was bought and paid for. Our beautiful bubble is now a tiny fleck of soap. Farewell, Shakespearean lovers—we have nothing in common with you! SYLVETTE. Nothing! PERCINET. In place of a divine drama, we played an infamous parody. SYLVETTE. Our nightingale was a sparrow! PERCINET. And the immortal wall a punch-and-judy theater. We were the puppets, worked by our fathers. SYLVETTE. But how much more ridiculous we should be if we loved each other less than we do! PERCINET. We must now love more than ever. SYLVETTE. But we do—we adore— PERCINET. The word is not a bit too strong. SYLVETTE. Love can console us. Can it not, my treasure? PERCINET. Certainly, my jewel. SYLVETTE. Good-bye then, my dearest. PERCINET. Good-bye, my darling. SYLVETTE. I shall dream of you, my heart. PERCINET. And I of you. SYLVETTE. Good-night. [She goes out.] PERCINET. So this is how I have been treated!— But who is this? See the long moustaches—I don't know him— [STRAFOREL enters and walks majestically toward PERCINET.] STRAFOREL. [With a profound bow] I have come to collect a small bill. PERCINET. Are you an upholsterer? STRAFOREL. Run along, young man, and tell your papa I am waiting for him. PERCINET. What is your name? STRAFOREL. My name is Straforel. PERCINET. [With a start] He?! This is too much! STRAFOREL. [Smiling] Then you know, young man? PERCINET. [Throwing the bill in STRAFOREL's face] Wretch! It was you! STRAFOREL. It was, Per Bacco! PERCINET. I have you at last. STRAFOREL. The people you kill, you see, are in the best of health. PERCINET. [Drawing his sword and making a pass at STRAFOREL] You will see! STRAFOREL. [Parrying with his arm, like a fencing-master giving a lesson] Hand high! Foot out! Monsieur, at your age, you should know better than that! [He takes the sword from PERCINET with his naked hand, and returns it as he bows.] What, are you stopping your fencing-lesson so soon? PERCINET. [Exasperated, as he takes back the sword] I'm going away. Here I am treated like a child. I shall have my revenge. I am going to seek my romance—true romance: love-affairs, duels, and—Ah, Don Juan, I will scandalize your ghost! I will elope with actresses! [He dashes out, brandishing his sword.] STRAFOREL. Very well, but who is going to pay me? [Looking in the distance] Stop there! Here's someone else. [Enter BERGAMIN and PASQUINOT, their hair and clothes ruffled, as if they had been fighting.] PASQUINOT. [Readjusting his clothes and holding BERGAMIN's wig] Here's your wig! BERGAMIN. And here's yours! PASQUINOT. After this, you can't imagine I'll—? BERGAMIN. I would no more live with you now than— [Enter SYLVETTE.] PASQUINOT. My daughter!—Say nothing about this! SYLVETTE. [Throwing her arms about her father's neck] Papa, I can't marry Percinet! [Enter the NOTARY and four WITNESSES.] BERGAMIN. The witnesses! The devil! WITNESSES. What—? STRAFOREL. [In the midst of the tumult] My bill! Who is going to pay me? Ninety pistoles! [Enter the GUESTS and three FIDDLERS, who play.] BERGAMIN. What's all this? The guests? Music? [The FIDDLERS continue their minuet.] STRAFOREL. [To BERGAMIN] Well? BERGAMIN. See Pasquinot. STRAFOREL. [Reading] "For the purpose of bringing about a marriage—" BERGAMIN. Well, there is to be no marriage! Therefore I owe you nothing! [Enter BLAISE.] STRAFOREL. [To PASQUINOT] But, Monsieur— PASQUINOT. What? Pay you now that it is broken off! BERGAMIN. [To whom BLAISE has just whispered] My son—run away? SYLVETTE. Run away? STRAFOREL. Well! Well! BERGAMIN. Quick, follow him! [He runs out, followed by the NOTARY and the WITNESSES.] SYLVETTE. Gone! STRAFOREL. [Coming down-stage] Why can't I straighten all this out? SYLVETTE. This is too much! [She goes out, followed by PASQUINOT.] STRAFOREL. Straforel, my son, if you want your ninety pistoles, you must patch up this marriage! [He goes out. The three FIDDLERS, left alone, continue their minuet, as the curtain falls.] Curtain * * * * * <div style="break-after:column;"></div>

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