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Perfect Behavior

<h2>CHAPTER SEVEN: THE ETIQUETTE OF GAMES AND SPORTS</h2> <h3> GOLF AS A PASTIME </h3> “Golf” (from an old Scottish word meaning “golf”) is becoming increasingly popular in the United States, and almost every city now has at least one private club devoted to the pursuit of this stylish pastime. Indeed, in many of our larger metropolises, the popular enthusiasm has reached such heights that free “public” courses have been provided for the citizens with, I may say, somewhat laughable results, as witness the fact that I myself have often seen persons playing on these “public” courses in ordinary shirts and trousers, tennis shoes, and suspenders. The influence of this “democratization” on the etiquette of what was once an exclusive sport has been, in many instances, deplorable, and I am sure that our golf-playing forefathers would turn over in their graves were they to “play around” today on one of the “public” courses. In no pastime are the customs and unwritten laws more clearly defined, and it is essential that the young lady or gentleman of fashion who contemplates an afternoon on the “links” devote considerable time and attention to the various niceties of the etiquette of this ancient and honorable game. A young man, for example, when playing with his employer, should always take pains to let his employer win. This is sometimes extremely difficult, but with practice even the most stubborn of obstacles can be overcome. On the first tee, for instance, after the employer, having swung and missed the ball completely one or two times, has managed to drive a distance of some forty-nine yards to the extreme right, the young man should take care to miss the ball completely three times, and then drive forty-eight yards to the extreme left. This is generally done by closing the eyes tightly and rising up sharply on both toes just before hitting the ball. On the “greens” it is customary for a young man to “concede” his employer every “putt” which is within twenty feet of the hole. If the employer insists on “putting” [Ed. note:—He won’t] and misses, the young man should take care to miss his own “putt.” After both have “holed out,” the young man should ask, “how many strokes, sir?” The employer will reply, “Let me see—I think I took seven for this hole, didn’t I?” A well-bred young man will not under any circumstances remind his employer that he saw him use at least three strokes for the drive, three strokes for his second shot, four strokes in the “rough,” seven strokes in the “bunker,” and three “putts” on the “green,” but will at once reply, “No, sir, I think you only took six, altogether.” The employer will then say, “Well, well, call it six. I generally get five on this hole. What did you take?” The young man should then laugh cheerily and reply, “Oh, I took my customary seven.” To which the employer will sympathetically say, “Too bad!” After the employer has thus won his first three holes he will begin to offer the young man advice on how to improve his game. This is perhaps the most trying part of the afternoon’s sport, but a young man of correct breeding and good taste will always remember the respect due an older man, and will not make the vulgar error of telling his employer for God’s sake shut up before he gets a brassie in his———— ear. A wife playing with her husband should do everything in her power to make the game enjoyable for the latter. She should encourage him, when possible, with little cheering proverbs, such as, “If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again,” and she should aid him with her advice when she thinks he is in need of it. Thus, when he drives into the sycamore tree on number eleven, she should say, “Don’t you think, dear, that if you aimed a little bit more to the right....” et cetera. When they come to number fourteen, and his second shot lands in the middle of the lake, she should remark, “Perhaps you didn’t hit it hard enough, dear.” And when, on the eighteenth, his approach goes through the second-story window of the club-house, she should say, “Dear, I wonder if you didn’t hit that too hard?” Such a wife is a true helpmate, and not merely a pretty ornament on which a silly husband can hang expensive clothes, and if he is the right sort of man, he will appreciate this, and refrain from striking her with a niblick after this last remark. A young wife who does not play the game herself can, nevertheless, be of great help to her husband by listening patiently, night after night, while he tells her how he drove the green on number three, and took a four on number eight (Par five), and came up to the fourteenth one under fours. Caddies should be treated at all times with the respect and pity due one’s fellow creatures who are “unfortunate.” The sins of the fathers are visited upon the children, and one should always remember that it is not, after all, the poor caddy’s fault that he was born blind. <h3> AN AFTERNOON AT THE OLD FARM WITH THE DICE </h3> “Craps” is a game played with dice, which is often popular in the men’s coat and smoking-rooms before and during formal receptions, balls, recitals, etcetera. It should not be imagined, however, that “craps” is a sport for men only; on the contrary, smart women are enthusiastically taking up this sport in numerous localities, and many an affair which started as a dinner party or a musicale has ended in a crap game, with all the guests seated in an excited circle on the floor, contributing to the host’s efforts to make expenses for the evening. It is in connection with these “mixed” games, however, that most of the more serious questions of “craps” etiquette arise. If, for example, you are a young man desirous of “shooting craps” with your grandmother, the correct way of indicating your desire when you meet the old lady in a public place is for you to remove your hat deferentially and say “Shoot a nickel, Grandmother?” If she wishes to play she will reply “Shoot, boy!” and you should then select some spot suitable for the game and assist her, if she wishes your aid, to kneel on the ground. It might be an added mark of gentility to offer her your handkerchief or coat upon which to rest her knees. You should then take out the dice and “shoot.” Your grandmother will look at your “throw” and say, “Oh, boy! He fives—he fives—a three and a two—never make a five—come on, you baby seven!” You should then take up the dice again and shake them in your right hand while your grandmother chants, “A four and a three—a four and a two—dicety dice, and an old black joe—come on, you SEVEN!” You should then again “shoot.” This time, as you have thrown a six and a one, your grandmother will then exclaim, “He sevens—the boy sevens—come on to grandmother, dice—talk to the nice old lady—Phoebe for grandma, dice, for grandpa needs a new pair of shoes—shoot a dime!” She will then “throw,” and so the game will go on until the old lady evidences a desire to stop, or, possibly, until either you or she are “cleaned out.” In this latter case, however, it would be a customary act of courtesy towards an older person for you to offer to shoot your grandmother for her shawl or her side combs, thus giving her several more chances to win back the money she has lost. It should be recommended that young men never make a mistake in going a little out of their way on occasion to make life more pleasant and agreeable for the aged. <h3> CORRECT BEHAVIOR ON A PICNIC </h3> There often comes a time in the life of the members of “society” when they grow a little weary of the ceaseless round of teas, balls and dinners, and for such I would not hesitate to recommend a “picnic.” A day spent in the “open,” with the blue sky over one’s head, is indeed a splendid tonic for jaded nerves. But one should not make the mistake of thinking that because he (or she) is “roughing it” for a day, he (or she) can therefore leave behind his (or her) “manners,” for such is not the case. There is a distinct etiquette for picnics, and any one who disregards this fact is apt to find to his (or her) sorrow that the “shoe” in this case is decidedly “on the other foot.” A young man, for example, is often asked by a young lady to accompany her on a “family picnic.” To this invitation he should, after some consideration, reply either “Yes” or “No,” and if the former, he should present himself at the young lady’s house promptly on the day set for the affair (usually Sunday). A “family picnic” generally consists of a Buick, a father, a mother, a daughter, a small son, beef loaf, lettuce sandwiches, a young man (you), two blow-outs, one spare tire, and Aunt Florence. The father drives with his small boy beside him; in the rear are the mother, the daughter, Aunt Florence, the thermos bottles, the lunch baskets and you. As you take your seat you must remember that it is a distinct evidence of bad breeding to show in any way that you are conscious of the fact that the car has been standing for the last hour and forty-four minutes in the hot July sun. “We’re off!” cries father, pressing his foot on the self-starting pedal. Thirty minutes later you roll away from the curb and the picnic has begun. The intervening time has, of course, been profitably spent by you in walking to the nearest garage for two new sparkplugs. It should be your duty, as guest, to see that the conversation in the rear seat is not allowed to lag. “It’s a great day,” you remark, as the car speeds along. “I think it’s going to rain,” replies Aunt Florence. “Not too fast, Will!” says mother. “Mother!” says the daughter. Ten minutes later you should again remark, “My, what a wonderful day!” “Those clouds are gathering in the west,” says Aunt Florence, “I think we had better put the top up.” “I think this is the wrong road,” says mother. “Dear, I know what I’m doing,” replies father. The secret of good conversation lies in discovering the “hobby” of the person with whom one is conversing, and a good talker always throws out several “feelers” in order to find out the things in which his partner is most interested. You should, therefore, next say to mother, “Don’t you think this is a glorious day for a picnic?” to which she will reply, “Well, I’m sure this is the wrong road. Hadn’t you better ask?” The husband will answer nothing, but Aunt Florence will murmur, “I think I felt a drop of rain, Will. If you don’t put the top up now, we’ll all be drenched.” The husband will then stop the car, and you and he will proceed to put up the top. In doing this, it is customary for the guest to get the second and third fingers of his right hand so severely pinched that he can not use the hand for several days. As soon as the top is up and the rain curtains are in place the sun will come out and you can at once get out and put the top down, taking care this time to ruin two fingers of the left hand. No good conversationalist confines himself exclusively to one subject, and when you are once more “under way” you should remark to the mother, “I think that motoring is great fun, don’t you, Mrs. Caldwell?” Her answer will be, “I wish you wouldn’t drive so fast!” You should then smile and say to Aunt Florence, “Don’t you think that motoring is great fun, Mrs. Lockwood?” As she is about to reply, the left rear tire will blow out with a loud noise and the car will come to a bumping stop. The etiquette of changing a tire is fairly simple. As soon as the “puncture” occurs one should at once remark, “Is there anything I can do?” This request should be repeated from time to time, always taking care, however, that no one takes it at all seriously. The real duty of a young man who is a “guest” on a motor trip on which a “blow-out” occurs is, of course, to keep the ladies of the party amused during the delay. This can be accomplished by any of the conventional methods, such as card tricks, handsprings, and other feats of athletic agility, or making funny jokes about the host who is at work on the tire. When the damage has been repaired and the car is once more speeding along, leaving behind it mile after mile of dusty road as well as father’s best “jack” and set of tire tools, the small boy will suddenly remark, “I’m hungry.” His father will then reply, “We’ll be at a fine place to eat in ten minutes.” Thirty minutes later mother will remark, “Will, that looks like a good place for a picnic over there.” The father will reply, “No—we’re coming to a wonderful place—just trust me, Mary!” Twenty minutes later Aunt Florence will say, “Will, I think that grove over there would be fine for our lunch,” to which the husband will reply, “We’re almost at the place I know about—it’s ideal for a picnic.” Forty minutes after this, father will stop the car and point to a clump of trees. “There,” he will say, “what do you think of that?” “Oh, we can’t eat there!” will be the answer of mother, daughter and Aunt Florence. “Drive on a bit further—I think I know a place.” Three hours and thirty minutes later (i. e. four hours past your normal lunch hour) there will be another puncture and as the car stops beside a wheat field it will begin to rain, and the daughter will sigh, “Well, we might as well eat here.” The “picnic” will then be held in the car, and nothing really quite carries one back to nature and primeval man as does warm lemonade and a lettuce sandwich in a Buick with the top up and side curtains on. After lunch it will be time to return home, and after you and father have ruined your clothes in repairing the punctures, the merry party will proceed on its way. The next morning, if you have not caught pneumonia, you will be able to go to your work greatly refreshed by your day’s outing in the lap of old Mother Nature. <div class="fig"> <ANTIMG src="images/image24.jpg" style="width:100%;" alt="Correct Negotiations for a Seat in the Subway" /> Nowhere is the etiquette of travel more abused than our subways. The gentleman shown above is en route to his fiancée’s flat in the Bronx. He has neglected to purchase the customary bouquet for his intended and has offered his seat to the lady, who is standing, in exchange for her corsage bouquet. Should she accept the proposition without further ado, or should she request the guard to introduce the gentleman first?</div> <div class="fig"> <ANTIMG src="images/image25.jpg" style="width:100%;" alt="Old Fashioned Letter and Writers vs. Perfect Behavior" /> The young lady has received an invitation to a quilting-bee from a Mrs. Steenwyck and, anxious to make a correct reply, she has bought a Complete Letter Writer to aid her to this end. To her surprise and dismay, she finds that it contains three model replies to such an invitation beginning “Dear Mrs. Peartree,” “Dear Mrs. Rombouts,” and “Dear Mrs. Bevy,” and one invitation to a christening beginning, “Dear Mrs. Steenwyck,” but no reply to an invitation to a quilting-bee beginning “Dear Mrs. Steenwyck.” PERFECT BEHAVIOR settles such perplexities.</div> <div class="fig"> <ANTIMG src="images/image26.jpg" style="width:100%;" alt="What to Avoid in Crests" /> Crests or other armorial bearings on notepaper are no longer considered absolutely necessary to establish one’s social position. Nevertheless, if one feels that note-paper that does not bear the family escutcheon is not quite all that note-paper should be, it is permissible to have it stamped neatly at the top of the first sheet. Care should be exercised to avoid selecting coats-of-arms that might be recognized, such as that of the United States or Great Britain. Rather solicit the taste of a good stationer than commit the blunders depicted above.</div> <h3> BOXING IN AMERICAN SOCIETY </h3> Although many of America’s foremost boxers have been persons whom one would not care to know socially, yet much fun and pleasure can be had out of the “manly art” if practised in a gentlemanly manner. “Boxing parties” are generally held in the evening. The ballroom of one’s home can be pleasantly decorated for the occasion, with a square ring roped off in the centre surrounded by seats for the ladies and gentlemen who come as invited guests. Evening dress is usually worn. The contests should be between various members of one’s social “set” who are fond of the sport and can be counted on to remember at all times that they are gentlemen. The matches should be arranged in tournament form, so that the winner of one bout meets the winner of the next bout, et cetera, until all but two have been eliminated. The boxer who wins this final contest shall be proclaimed the “champion.” Great fun can then be had by announcing that the “champion” will be permitted to box three rounds with a “masked marvel.” The identity of this “unknown” (who is usually Jack Dempsey or some other noted professional pugilist) should be kept carefully secret, so that all the guests are in a glow of mystified excitement when the contest begins, and you can imagine their delight and happy enthusiasm when the “masked marvel” cleverly knocks the “champion” for a double loop through the ropes into the lap of some tittering “dowager.” Refreshments should then be served and the “champion” can be carried home in a car or ambulance provided by the thoughtful host. <h3> BRIDGE WHIST </h3> “Bridge whist,” or “Bridge,” as it is often called by the younger generation, is rapidly replacing whist as the favorite card game of good society, and “bridge” parties are much en vogue for both afternoon and evening entertainments. In order to become an expert “bridge” player one must, of course, spend many months and even years in a study of the game, but any gentleman or lady of average intelligence can, I believe, pick up the fundamentals of “bridge” in a short while. Let us suppose, for example, that you, as a “young man about town,” are invited to play “bridge” on the evening of Friday, November seventeenth, at the home of Mrs. Franklin Gregory. Now, although you may have played the game only once or twice in your life, it would never do to admit the fact, for in good society one is supposed to play “bridge” just as one is supposed to hate newspaper publicity, and on the evening of Friday, November seventeenth, you should present yourself in suitable attire at Mrs. Gregory’s home. There you will find fifteen or twenty other guests, and after a few minutes of light social banter a bell will ring and the players will take their places. At your table will be Mrs. F. Jamison Dollings (your partner) and Mr. and Mrs. Theodore Watts. Mrs. Dollings (Sept. 6, 1880) is considered one of the most expert “bridge” players in the city, while Mr. Watts has one of the largest retail clothing stores in the central part of the State. Mrs. Watts was one of the Van Cortlandt girls (the plain one). As you are probably (next to Mr. and Mrs. Watts) the worst “bridge” player in the room it should be your duty to make up for this deficiency by keeping the other three players conversationally stimulated, for nothing so enlivens a game of “bridge” as a young man or woman with a pleasing personality and a gift for “small talk.” Thus, at the very beginning, after you have finished dealing the cards, you should fill in what seems to you an embarrassing pause by telling one of your cleverest stories, at the conclusion of which Mrs. Dollings will remark, “We are waiting for your bid, Mr. S——.” The etiquette of “bidding,” as far as you are concerned, should resolve itself into a consistent effort on your part to become “dummy” for each and every game. The minute your partner (Mrs. Dollings) bids anything, it should be your duty as a gentleman to see that she gets it, no matter what the cost. Thus, on the first hand, you “pass.” Mr. Watts then says, “Wait a minute, till I get these cards fixed”; to which Mrs. Watts replies, “Theodore, for Heaven’s sake, how long do you want?” Mr. Watts then says, “Which is higher—clubs or hearts?” to which Mrs. Watts replies, “Clubs.” Mrs. Dollings then says, “I beg your pardon, but hearts have always been considered higher than clubs.” Mrs. Watts says, “Oh, yes, of course,” and gives Mr. Watts a mean look. Mr. Watts then says, “I bid—let’s see—I bid two spades—no, two diamonds.” Mrs. Dollings quickly says, “Two lilies,” Mr. Watts says, “What’s a lily?” to which Mrs. Watts replies, “Theodore!” and then bids “Two spades,” at which Mrs. Dollings says, “I beg your pardon, but I have just bid two spades.” Mr. Watts then chuckles, and Mrs. Watts says (but not to Mr. Watts), “I beg your pardon.” Mrs. Watts then bids “Three spades,” at which you quickly say, “Four spades.” This bid is not “raised.” Mrs. Dollings then says to you, “I am counting on your spades to help me out,” at which you look at the only spade in your hand (the three) and answer, “Ha! Ha! Ha!” There is then a wait of four minutes, at the end of which Mrs. Dollings wearily says, “It is your first lead, is it not, Mrs. Watts?” Mrs. Watts then blushes, says, “Oh, I beg your pardon!” and leads the four of hearts. You then lay down your “dummy” hand. Before Mrs. Dollings has had time to discover just what you have done to her, you should rise quickly and say, “Excuse me, but I want to use the telephone a minute.” You should then go into the next room and wait ten or fifteen minutes. When you return Mrs. Dollings will have disappeared, Mrs. Watts will be looking fixedly at Mr. Watts, and Mr. Watts will be saying, “Well, it’s a silly game, anyway.” You and Mr. and Mrs. Watts can then have a nice game of twenty-five cent limit stud poker for the rest of the evening, and it would certainly be considered a thoughtful and gracious “gesture” if, during the next two or three weeks, you should call occasionally at the hospital to see how Mrs. Dollings is “getting on,” or you might even send some flowers or a nice potted plant. <h3> FORMAL AND INFORMAL DRINKING </h3> “Drinking” has, of course, always been a popular sport among the members of the better classes of society, but never has the enthusiasm for this pastime been so great in America as since the advent of “prohibition.” Gentlemen and ladies who never before cared much for “drinking” have now given up almost all other amusements in favor of this fascinating sport; young men and debutantes have become, in the last few years, fully as expert in the game as their parents. In many cities “drinking” has become more popular than “bridge” or dancing and it is predicted that, with a few more years of “prohibition,” “drinking” will supersede golf and baseball as the great American pastime. The effect of this has been to change radically many of the fundamental rules of the sport, and the influence on the etiquette of the game has been no less marked. What was considered “good form” in this pastime among our forefathers now decidedly démodé, and the correct drinker of 1910 is as obsolete and out of date in the present decade as the “frock-coat.” The game today is divided into (a) formal and (b) informal drinking. “Formal drinking” is usually played after dinner and is more and more coming to take the place of charades, sleight-of-hand performances, magic lantern shows, “dumb crambo,” et cetera, as the parlor amusement par excellence. “Formal drinking” can be played by from one to fifteen people in a house of ordinary dimensions; for a larger number it is generally better to provide a garage, a large yard, and special police, fire and plate glass insurance. The game is played with glasses, ice, and a dozen bottles of either whisky or gin. The sport is begun by the host’s wife, who says, “How would you all like to play a little bridge?” This is followed by silence. Another wife then says, “I think it would be awfully nice to play a little bridge.” One of the men players then steps forward and says “I think it would be awfully nice to have a little drink.” An “It” is then selected—always, by courtesy, the host. The “It” then says, “How would you all like to have a little drink?” The men players then answer in the affirmative and the “It’s” wife says, “Now Henry dear, please—remember what happened last time.” The “It” replies, “Yes, dear,” and goes into the cellar, while the “It’s” wife, after providing each guest with a glass, puts away the Dresden china clock, the porcelain parrot. and the gold fish globe. Sides are chosen—usually with the husbands on one “team” and the wives on the other. The purpose of the game is for the “husbands’, team” to try to drink up all the “It’s” liquor before the “wives’ team” can get them to go home. When the “It” returns with the liquor he pours out a portion for each player and at a given signal all drink steadily for several minutes. The “It’s” wife then says, “Now—how about a few rubbers of bridge?” She is immediately elected “team captain” for the rest of the evening. It is the duty of the “team captain” to provide cracked ice and water, to get ready the two spare bedrooms, to hold Wallie Spencer’s hand, to keep Eddie Armstrong from putting his lighted cigaret ends on the piano, and to break up the party as soon as possible. The game generally ends when (1) the liquor is all gone, (2) the “It” (or three guests) have passed “out,” (3) Wallie Spencer starts telling about his war experiences. “Informal” drinking needs, of course, no such elaborate preparations and can be played anywhere and any time there is anything to drink. The person who is caught with the liquor is “It,” and the object of the game is to take all the liquor away from the “It” as soon as possible. In order to avoid being “It,” many players sometimes resort to various low subterfuges, such as sneaking down alone to the club locker-room during a dance, but this practise is generally looked upon with great disfavor—especially by that increasingly large group of citizens who are unselfishly devoting their lives to the cause of a “dry America” by consuming all of the present rapidly diminishing visible supply. <h3> A JOLLY HALLOWE’EN PARTY </h3> The problem of providing suitable entertainment for one’s informal parties is something which has perplexed many a host and hostess in recent years. How often has it happened that just when you had gotten your guests nicely seated around the parlor listening to the Caruso record, some ill-mannered fellow would remark, “Oh, Lord—let’s go over to the Tom Phillips’ and get something to drink.” How many times in the past have you prepared original little “get-together” games, such as Carol Kennicott did in Main Street, only to find that, when you again turned the lights on, half the company had disappeared for the evening. Of course we cannot all be as startlingly clever as Carol, but Hallowe’en, which comes this year on October 31st, offers a splendid opportunity for originality and “peppy” fun. The following suggestions are presented to ambitious hostesses with the absolute guaranty that no matter what other reactions her guests may have, they will certainly not be bored. <div class="fig"> <ANTIMG src="images/image27.jpg" style="width:100%;" alt="Care Should Be Exercised in the Choice of Post-Cards" /> Few people realize the value of picture post-cards as indicators of the birth, breeding, and character of the sender, yet nothing so definitely “places” a person socially as his choice of these souvenirs. Could you have selected the senders of the above cards?</div> <div class="fig"> <ANTIMG src="images/image28.jpg" style="width:100%;" alt="Cards Concealed about the Person Betray the Boor" /> In spite of his haughty airs and fine clothes, the gentleman betrays that he is not much accustomed to good society when, having been asked by his hostess if he would care to remove his coat and waistcoat during the warm evening of bridge, he, in doing so, reveals the presence of several useful cards hidden about his person. This sort of thing, while often tolerated at less formal “stag” poker-parties, is seldom, ever, permissible when ladies are present. The young man was simply ignorant of the fact that Hoyle and not Herman the Great is the generally accepted authority on cards in the “beau monde.”</div> <h3> INVITATIONS </h3> The whole spirit of Hallowe’en is, of course, one of “spooky” gayety and light-hearted ghastliness. Witches and ghosts run riot; corpses dance and black cats howl. “More work for the undertaker” should be the leitmotif of the evening’s fun. The moribund spirit can be delightfully observed, first of all, in the preparation of the invitations. I know of one hostess, for instance, who gained a great reputation for originality by enclosing a dead fish with each bidding to the evening’s gayeties. It is, of course, not at all necessary to follow her example to the letter; the enclosure of anything dead will suffice, providing, of course, that it is not TOO dead. There is such a thing as carrying a joke beyond the limits of propriety, and the canons of good taste should always be respectfully observed. Another amusing way of preparing invitations is to cut out colored paper in the shape of cats, witches, etc., upon which appropriate verses are inscribed. Such as: “Next Monday night is Hallowe’en, You big stiff.” or “On Monday next comes All-Hallows-Even, My grandmother’s maiden name was Stephens.” or “On Hallowe’en you may see a witch If you don’t look out, you funny fellow.” or “Harry and I are giving a Hallowe’en party; Harry says you owe him four dollars; please be prompt. or “Monday night the ghosts do dance; Why didn’t you enlist and go to France, You slacker?” Another novel invitation is made by cutting a piece of yellow paper thirteen inches long and four inches wide, and writing on each inch one of the lines given below. Then begin at the bottom and fold the paper up, inch by inch. Fasten the last turn down with a “spooky” gummed sticker, and slip into a small envelope. When the recipient unfolds the invitation, he will be surprised to read the following: Now what on earth do you suppose is in this little folder keep turning ha ha ha further ha ha ha further ha ha ha, further ha ha ha further It would perhaps be best to telephone the next day to those guests whom you really want, and give them further details as to the date and time of the party. Additional fun can be gotten out of this invitation by failing to put postage stamps on the envelopes when you mail them; the two cents which each guest will have to pay for postage due can be returned in a novel manner on the night of the party by inserting them in sandwiches or stuffed tomatoes. For those who may wish to send out more elaborate invitations, the following distinctly original plan is suggested: Procure a number of small alarm clocks and a quantity of nitroglycerine or other high explosive. Insert in each clock a small amount of the nitroglycerine, being careful not to put too much; a quantity sufficient to wreck a room 20 X 30 Will generally suffice. Then arrange the alarm mechanism so that the explosion will occur at 12 midnight. Attach to the clock a card, neatly decorated with witches, goblins, etc., on which is written “Midnight is the mystic hour Of yawning graves and coffins dour. Beneath your bed this clock please hide And when it strikes—you’ll be surprised.” These clocks should then be delivered in the afternoon to those of the guests whom you are merely inviting because they are your husband’s business associates, or because they were nice to your mother when she did her own work. Later on, in order to avoid hard feelings on the part of relatives and friends of the deceased, it might be well to explain to them that you sent the clocks only in the spirit of Hallowe’en fun; it might even help to invite them to one of your next parties. <h3> RECEIVING THE GUESTS </h3> On Hallowe’en night great care should be taken in the preparations for receiving the guests in a mystic manner; no pains should be spared in the effort to start the evening off with a “bang.” Several novel ideas are offered for starting the guests off on the right informal spirit. Before they arrive, it is a good plan to take the street number off your house and fasten it to the porch of your next door neighbors, who will, of course, be at home because they are perfectly impossible people whom no one would invite anywhere. Extinguish all the lights in your own house; your neighbor, as he comes downstairs twenty-five or thirty times in the next hour, will obligingly tell your bewildered friends specifically where to go. When the guest finally learns from the neighborhood policeman which house on the block is really yours he will discover on your door a sign reading: “If you would be my Valentine, Follow please the bright green line.” Leading from the door is a green cord which the mystified guest proceeds to follow, according to directions. This cord should guide the way to the coal cellar of your other neighbor who has recently purchased an automatic revolver under the delusion that burglars are operating in the neighborhood. As your bewildered guest gropes his way about the cellar, it is quite likely that he will be shot at several times and by the time he emerges (if he does emerge) he will be quite delightfully full of the informal spirit of Hallowe’en and ready for anything. <h3> HOW TO MYSTIFY </h3> At this point, your wife, dressed as a witch, should unexpectedly rush out at him; there is always the delightful possibility that he will pick up a convenient rock and brain her on the spot—an event which often adds an unexpected touch of gayety to the evening’s fun. If, however, no such event occurs, the guest should be blindfolded and led into the house. Once inside he is conducted upstairs to the attic, where he will find three or four earlier arrivals also blindfolded. The hands and feet of these four are then securely tied and they are told that they are to be left there all evening. This is really a great joke, because they do not, of course, at the time, believe what you say, and when you come up to untie them the next morning, their shame-faced discomposure is truly laughable. The green-cord-into-neighbor’s-coal-cellar joke can be cleverly varied by taking the lid off your cistern and making the green line lead in that direction. Great care should be taken, however, to keep an exact account of the number of guests who succumb to this trick, for although an unexpected “ducking” is excruciatingly humorous, drowning often results fatally. Great fun can be added to the evening’s entertainment by dressing several of the guests as ghosts, witches, corpses, etc; these costumes can be quite simply and economically made in the home, or can be procured from some reliable department store. An “old-fashioned” witch’s costume consists of a union suit (Munsing or any other standard brand), corset, brassiere, chemise, underpetticoat, overpetticoat, long black skirt, long black stockings, shoes, black waist and shawl, with a pointed witch’s hat and a broomstick. The “modern” witch’s costume is much simpler and inexpensive in many details. A particularly novel and “hair raising” effect may be produced by painting the entire body of one of the male guests with phosphorus. As this glowing nude stalks uncannily through the darkened rooms you may easily imagine the ghastly effect—especially upon his wife. <h3> GAMES </h3> After the guests have sufficiently amused themselves with the ghosts and witches it will be time to commence some of the many games which are always associated with Hallowe’en. “Bobbing for apples” is, of course, the most common of these games and great sport it is, too, to watch the awkward efforts of the guests as they try to pick up with their teeth the apples floating in a large tub. I know of one hostess who added greatly to the evening’s fun by pouring twelve quarts of gin into the tub; the effect on the bobbers was, of course, extremely comical, except for the unfortunate conduct of two gentlemen, one of whom went to sleep in the tub, the other so far forgetting himself as playfully to throw all the floating fruit at the hostess’ pet Pomeranian. Most Hallowe’en games concern themselves with delving into the future in the hopes that one may there discover one’s husband or bride-to-be. In one of these games the men stand at one end of the room, facing the girls, with their hands behind their backs and eyes tightly closed. The girls are blindfolded and one by one they are led to within six feet of the expectant men and given a soft pin cushion which they hurl forward. The tradition is that whichever man the girl hits, him will she marry. Great fun can be added to the game by occasionally substituting a rock or iron dumb-bell in place of the romantic pin cushion. Another game based on a delightful old Hallowe’en tradition is as follows: A girl is given a lighted candle and told to walk upstairs into the room at the end of the hall where, by looking in a mirror, she will see her future husband. Have it arranged so that you are concealed alone in the room. When the girl arrives, look over her shoulder into the mirror. She had better go downstairs after ten minutes, though, so that another girl can come up. This tradition dates from before William the Conqueror. No Hallowe’en is complete, of course, without fortune telling. Dress yourself as a wizard and have the guests led in one by one to hear their fortune told. Hanging in front of you should be a caldron, from which you extract the slip of paper containing the particular fortune. These slips of paper should be prepared beforehand. The following are suggested: “You will meet a well dressed, good looking man who understands you better than your husband. How about Thursday at the Plaza?” “You are about to receive a shipment of Scotch whisky that you ordered last month. And it’s about time you kicked across with some of your own.” “You will have much trouble in your life if you lie about your golf score as you did last Sunday on Number 12.” Still another pleasing Hallowe’en game, based on the revelation of one’s matrimonial future, is played as follows: Seven lighted candles are placed in a row on a table. The men are then blindfolded, whirled around three times and commanded to blow out the candles. The number extinguished at a blow tells the number of years before they meet their bride. This game only grows interesting, of course, when some old goat with long whiskers can be induced to take a blind shot at blowing out the candles. Have Pyrene convenient—but not too convenient to spoil the fun. For the older members of the party, the host should provide various games of cards and dice. In keeping with the ghastly spirit of the occasion, it would be well to have the dice carefully loaded. Many hosts have thus been able to make all expenses and often a handsome profit out of the evening’s entertainment. If the crap game goes particularly well, many hosts do not hesitate to provide elaborate refreshments for the guests. Here, too, the spirit of fun and jollity should prevail, and great merriment is always provoked by the ludicrous expression of the guest who has broken two teeth on the cast-iron olive. Other delightful surprises should be arranged, and a little Sloan’s liniment in the punch or ground glass in the ice cream will go a long way toward making the supper amusing. And finally, when the guests are ready to depart and just before they discover that you have cut cute little black cats and witches out of the backs of their evening wraps and over coats, it would perhaps be well to run up stairs and lock yourself securely in your room. <div style="break-after:column;"></div>

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