<h2 id="chptII">II.</h2>
<span class="bold fs150">By Advertisers and on Sign-boards.</span></div>
<p><span class="smcap">Two</span> young women want washing.</p>
<p>Teeth extracted with great pains.</p>
<p>Babies taken and finished in ten minutes by a country
photographer.</p>
<p>Wood and coal split.</p>
<p> Wanted, a female who has a knowledge of fitting boots of a good
moral character.</p>
<p>For sale, a handsome piano, the property of a young lady who is leaving
Scotland in a walnut case with turned legs.</p>
<p>A large Spanish blue gentleman's cloak lost in the neighborhood of the
market.</p>
<div class="pagenum">[Pg. 21]</div>
<p>To be sold, a splendid gray horse, calculated for a charger, or would
carry a lady with a switch tail.</p>
<p>Wanted, a young man to take charge of horses of a religious turn of
mind.</p>
<p>A lady advertises her desire for a husband "with a Roman nose having
strong religious tendencies."</p>
<p>Wanted, a young man to look after a horse of the Methodist
persuasion.</p>
<p>A chemist inquires, "Will the gentleman who left his stomach for
analysis please call and get it, together with the result?"</p>
<p>Wanted, an accomplished poodle nurse. Wages, $5.00 a week.</p>
<p>In the far West a man advertises for a woman "to wash, iron and milk one
or two cows."</p>
<div class="pagenum">[Pg. 22]</div>
<p>Lost a cameo brooch representing Venus and Adonis on the Drumcondra Road
about 10 o'clock on Tuesday evening.</p>
<p>An advertiser, having made an advantageous purchase, offers for sale, on
very low terms, "six dozen of prime port wine, late the property of a
gentleman forty years of age, full of body, and with a high
bouquet."</p>
<p>A steamboat-captain, in advertising for an excursion, closes thus:
"Tickets, 25 cents; children half price, to be had at the captain's
office."</p>
<p>Among carriages to be disposed of, mention is made of "a mail phaeton,
the property of a gentleman with a moveable head as good as new."</p>
<p>An inducement to return property is offered as follows: "If the
gentleman who keeps the shoe store with a red head will return the
umbrella of a young lady with whalebone ribs and an iron handle to the
<span class="pagenum">[Pg. 23]</span>
slate-roofed grocer's shop, he will hear of something to his advantage,
as the same is a gift of a deceased mother now no more with the name
engraved upon it."</p>
<p>An English matrimonial advertisement reads as follows: "A young man
about 25 years of Age, in a very good trade, whose Father will make him
worth �1000, would willingly embrace a suitable MATCH. He has been
brought up a Dissenter with his Parents, and is a sober man."</p>
<p>A landlady, innocent of grammatical knowledge, advertises that she has
"a fine, airy, well-furnished bedroom for a gentleman twelve feet
square"; another has "a cheap and desirable suit of rooms for a
respectable family in good repair"; still another has "a hall bedroom
for a single woman 8 � 12."</p>
<p><span class="pagenum">[Pg. 24]</span></p>
<p>A photographer's sign reads: "This style 3 pictures finished in fifteen
minutes while you wait for twenty-five cents beautifully colored."</p>
<p>A cheap restaurant displays this sign: "Oyster pies open all night," and
"Coffee and cakes off the griddle."</p>
<p>A baker displays the sign, "Family Baking Done Here." The sign would
look more appropriate if it were in front of some of our "cool and
well-ventilated" summer-resort hotels.</p>
<p>The sign at Abraham Lowe's inn, Douglas, Isle of Man, is accompanied by
this quaint verse:</p>
<div class="poem">
<div class="stanza">
<span class="in1em">"I'm Abraham Lowe, and half way up the hill,</span><br/>
<span class="in1em">If I were higher up wat's funnier still,</span><br/>
<span class="in1em">I should be Lowe. Come in and take your fill</span><br/>
<span class="in1em">Of porter, ale, wine, spirits what you will.</span><br/>
<span class="in1em">Step in, my friend, I pray no further go,</span><br/>
<span class="in1em">My prices, like myself, are always low."</span></div>
</div>
<div class="pagenum">[Pg. 25]</div>
<p>On a vacant lot back of Covington, Kentucky, is posted this sign: "No
plane base Boll on these Primaces."</p>
<p>Notice in a Hoboken ferry-boat: "The seats in this cabin are reserved
for ladies. Gentlemen are requested not to occupy them until the ladies
are seated."</p>
<p>A sign in a Pennsylvania town reads as follows: "John Smith, teacher of
cowtillions and other dances—grammar taut in the neatest manner—fresh
salt herrin on draft—likewise Goodfreys cordjial—rutes sassage and
other garden truck—N. B. bawl on friday nite—prayer meetin
chuesday—also salme singing by the quire."</p>
<p>The following notice appeared on the fence of a vacant lot in Brooklyn:
"All persons are forbidden to throw ashes on this lot under penalty of
the law or any other garbage."</p>
<div class="pagenum">[Pg. 26]</div>
<p>A barber's sign in Buffalo, N.Y., has the following: "This is the place
for physiognomical hair-cutting and ecstatic shaving and
shampooing."</p>
<p>A San Francisco boot-black, of poetic aspirations, proclaims his
superior skill in the following lines, pasted over the door of his
establishment:</p>
<div class="poem">
<div class="stanza">
<span class="in1em">"No day was e'er so bright,</span><br/>
<span class="in1em">So black was never a night,</span><br/>
<span class="in1em">As will your boots be, if you get</span><br/>
<span class="in1em">Them blacked right in here, you bet!"</span><br/></div>
</div>
<p>The following appears on a Welsh shoemaker's sign-board: "Pryce Dyas
Coblar, dealer in Bacco Shag and Pig Tail Bacon and Ginarbread, Eggs
laid by me, and very good Paradise in the summer, Gentlemen and Lady can
have good Tae and Crumpets and Straw berry with a scim milk, because I
can't get no cream. N. B. Shuse and Boots mended very well."</p>
<div class="pagenum">[Pg. 27]</div>
<p>An Irish inn exhibits the following in large type:</p>
<div class="poem">
<div class="stanza">
<span class="in1em">"Within this hive we're all alive,</span><br/>
<span class="in2em">With whiskey sweet as honey;</span><br/>
<span class="in1em">If you are dry, step in and try,</span><br/>
<span class="in2em">But don't forget your money."</span><br/></div>
</div>
<p>An inn near London displays a board with the following
inscription:</p>
<div class="poem">
<div class="stanza">
<span class="in1em">"<i>Call</i>—Softly,</span><br/>
<span class="in1em"><i>Drink</i> Moderately,</span><br/>
<span class="in1em">Pay <i>Honourably</i>;</span><br/>
<span class="in1em">Be good Company,</span><br/>
<span class="in1em">Part FRIENDLY,</span><br/>
<span class="in1em">Go HOME quietly.</span><br/>
<span class="in1em">Let those lines be no MAN'S sorrow,</span><br/>
<span class="in1em">Pay to DAY and i'll TRUST tomorrow."</span><br/></div>
</div>
<div class="pagenum">[Pg. 28]</div>
<div class="chpthd center">
<h2 id="chptIII">III.</h2>
<span class="bold fs150">For Epitaphs.</span></div>
<p><span class="smcap">A terse</span> account of an untimely end is
given upon a stone in a Mexican church-yard:</p> <div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> <span class="in1em">"He was young, he was
fair</span><br/> <span class="in1em">But the Injuns raised his
hair."</span><br/> </div> </div>
<p>The following may be read upon the tombstone of Lottie Merrill, the
young huntress of Wayne County, Pennsylvania: "Lottie Merrill lays hear
she dident know wot it wuz to be afeered but she has hed her last tussel
with the bars and theyve scooped her she was a good girl and she is now
in heaven. It took six big bars to get away with her. She was only 18
years old."</p>
<div class="pagenum">[Pg. 29]</div>
<p>Upon the tomb of a boy who died of eating too much fruit, this quaint
epitaph conveys a moral:</p>
<div class="poem">
<div class="stanza">
<span class="in1em">"<i>Currants</i> have check'd the <i>current</i> of my blood,</span><br/>
<span class="in1em">And <i>berries</i> brought me to be <i>buried</i> here;</span><br/>
<span class="in1em"><i>Pears</i> have <i>par'd</i> off my body's hardihood,</span><br/>
<span class="in1em">And <i>plums</i> and <i>plumbers</i> <i>spare</i> not one so <i>spare</i>.</span><br/>
<span class="in1em"><i>Fain</i> would I <i>feign</i> my fall; so <i>fair</i> a <i>fare</i></span><br/>
<span class="in1em"><i>Lessens</i> not hate, yet 'tis a <i>lesson</i> good.</span><br/>
<span class="in1em"><i>Gilt</i> will not long hide <i>guilt</i>, such thin washed <i>ware</i></span><br/>
<span class="in1em"><i>Wears</i> quickly, and its <i>rude</i> touch soon is <i>rued</i>.</span><br/>
<span class="in1em"><i>Grave</i> on my <i>grave</i> some sentence <i>grave</i> and terse,</span><br/>
<span class="in1em">That <i>lies</i> not as it <i>lies</i> upon my clay,</span><br/>
<span class="in1em">But in a gentle <i>strain</i> of <i>unstrained</i> verse,</span><br/>
<span class="in1em"><i>Prays</i> all to pity a poor patty's <i>prey</i>,</span><br/>
<span class="in1em"><i>Rehearses</i> I was fruitful to my <i>hearse</i>,</span><br/>
<span class="in1em"><i>Tells</i> that my days are <i>told</i>, and soon I'm <i>toll'd</i> away."</span><br/></div>
</div>
<div class="pagenum">[Pg. 30]</div>
<p>In Glasgow Cathedral is an epitaph, which is engraved on the lid of a
very old sarcophagus, discovered in the crypt:</p>
<div class="poem">
<div class="stanza">
<span class="in1em">"Our Life's a flying Shadow, God's the Pole,</span><br/>
<span class="in1em">The Index pointing at him is our Soul,</span><br/>
<span class="in1em">Death's the Horizon, when our Sun is set,</span><br/>
<span class="in1em">Which will through Chryst a Resurrection get."</span><br/></div>
</div>
<p>In a grave-yard at Montrose, in Scotland, this inscription may still be
seen:</p>
<div class="poem">
<div class="stanza">
<span class="in1em">"Here lies the Body of</span><br/>
<span class="in3em">George Young</span><br/>
<span class="in1em">And of all his posterity for</span><br/>
<span class="in2em">fifty years backwards."</span><br/></div>
</div>
<p>This brief announcement may be read in Wrexham church-yard,
Wales:</p>
<div class="poem">
<div class="stanza">
<span class="in1em">"Here lies five babies and children dear</span><br/>
<span class="in1em">Three at Owestry and two here."</span><br/></div>
</div>
<div class="pagenum">[Pg. 31]</div>
<p>In a church-yard near London the following may be deciphered:</p>
<div class="poem">
<div class="stanza">
<span class="in1em">"Killed by an omnibus why not?</span><br/>
<span class="in2em">So quick a death a boon is</span><br/>
<span class="in1em">Let not his friends lament his lot</span><br/>
<span class="in2em">For mors omnibus communis."</span><br/></div>
</div>
<p>There is an unqualified Hibernianism in the following:</p>
<div class="poem">
<div class="stanza">
<span class="in2em">"Here lies the remains of</span><br/>
<span class="in1em">Thomas Melstrom who died</span><br/>
<span class="in1em">in Philadelphia March 17th</span><br/>
<span class="in1em">Had he lived he would have</span><br/>
<span class="in2em">been buried here."</span><br/></div>
</div>
<p>A good deal of positive information is conveyed in this
epitaph:</p>
<div class="poem">
<div class="stanza">
<span class="in1em">"Here lies, cut down like unripe fruit</span><br/>
<span class="in1em">The wife of Deacon Amos Shute;</span><br/>
<span class="in1em">She died of drinking too much coffee,</span><br/>
<span class="in1em">Anny dominy eighteen forty."</span><br/></div>
</div>
<div class="pagenum">[Pg. 32]</div>
<p>To the victim of an accident:</p>
<p>"Here lies the body of James Hambrick which was accidentally shot in the
Pacas River by a young man with one of Colts large revolvers with no
stopper for the hand for to rest on. It was one of the old fashioned
sort, brass mounted and of such is the Kingdom of Heaven."</p>
<p>William Curtis, who was famous for his bad grammar, may have composed
his own epitaph:</p>
<div class="poem">
<div class="stanza">
<span class="in1em">"Here lies William Curtis</span><br/>
<span class="in2em">Our late Lord Mayor</span><br/>
<span class="in1em">Who has left this world,</span><br/>
<span class="in2em">And gone to that there."</span><br/></div>
</div>
<p>In a church-yard in London, evidently written by a Cockney:</p>
<div class="poem">
<div class="stanza">
<span class="in1em">"Here lies John Ross.</span><br/>
<span class="in1em">Kicked by a Hoss."</span><br/></div>
</div>
<div class="pagenum">[Pg. 33]</div>
<p>In Trinity church-yard, New York, this inscription may be read:</p>
<div class="poem">
<div class="stanza">
<span class="in1em">"Val. ——</span><br/>
<span class="in5em">Sidney Breese.</span><br/>
<span class="in6em">June 9 17—.</span><br/>
<span class="in4em">Made by himself.</span><br/>
<span class="in2em">Ha! Sidney, Sidney</span><br/>
<span class="in4em">Liest thou here?</span><br/>
<span class="in6em">I lye here</span><br/>
<span class="in2em">Till Times last Extremity."</span><br/></div>
</div>
<p>Upon a stone, under the Grocers' Arms, is this inscription, in memory
of Garrard, a tea-dealer:</p>
<div class="poem">
<div class="stanza">
<span class="in1em">"Garret some called him</span><br/>
<span class="in2em">But that was too lye</span><br/>
<span class="in1em">His name is Garrard</span><br/>
<span class="in2em">Who now here doth lye</span><br/>
<span class="in1em">Weepe not for him</span><br/>
<span class="in2em">Since he is gone before</span><br/>
<span class="in1em">To heaven where Grocers</span><br/>
<span class="in2em">There are many more."</span><br/></div>
</div>
<div class="pagenum">[Pg. 34]</div>
<p>The value of phonetic spelling is set forth in this terse
memorial:</p>
<div class="poem">
<div class="stanza">
<span class="in1em">"Here lies two brothers by misfortune surrounded</span><br/>
<span class="in1em">One died of his wounds, the other was drounded."</span><br/></div>
</div>
<p>Resignation and an eye to the main chance are combined in the
following:</p>
<div class="poem">
<div class="stanza">
<span class="in1em">"Beneath this stone, in hope of Zion</span><br/>
<span class="in1em">Doth lie the landlord of the Lion,</span><br/>
<span class="in1em">His son keeps in the business still</span><br/>
<span class="in1em">Resigned unto the heavenly Will."</span><br/></div>
</div>
<p>In a church-yard in Wiltshire, England:</p>
<div class="poem">
<div class="stanza">
<span class="in1em">"Beneath this stone lies our dear child</span><br/>
<span class="in1em">Whos' gone away from we</span><br/>
<span class="in1em">For evermore into eternity;</span><br/>
<span class="in1em">When we do hope that we shall go to he</span><br/>
<span class="in1em">But him can never come back to we."</span><br/></div>
</div>
<div class="pagenum">[Pg. 35]</div>
<p>On Mrs. Sarah Newman:</p>
<div class="poem">
<div class="stanza">
<span class="in1em">"Pain was my portion</span><br/>
<span class="in2em">Physic was my food</span><br/>
<span class="in1em">Groans was my devotion</span><br/>
<span class="in2em">Drugs done me no good.</span><br/>
<span class="in1em">Christ was my physician</span><br/>
<span class="in2em">Knew what way was best</span><br/>
<span class="in1em">To ease me of my pain</span><br/>
<span class="in2em">He took my soul to rest."</span><br/></div>
</div>
<p>An inscription to four wives:</p>
<p>"To the memory of my four wives, who all died within the space of ten
years, but more perteckler to the last Mrs. Sally Horne who has left me
and four dear children, she was a good, <i>sober</i> and <i>clean</i>
soul and may i soon go to her.</p>
<div class="poem">
<div class="stanza">
<span class="in1em">"Dear wives if you and i shall all go to heaven,</span><br/>
<span class="in1em">The Lord be blest for then we shall be even.</span><br/></div>
</div>
<p class="in10em">"William Joy Horne, Carpenter."</p>
<div class="pagenum">[Pg. 36]</div>
<p>On a dyer:</p>
<blockquote><p>"He died to live and lived to dye."</p>
</blockquote>
<p>On Mrs. Lee and her son:</p>
<div class="poem">
<div class="stanza">
<span class="in1em">"In her life she did her best</span><br/>
<span class="in1em">Now I hope her soul's at rest.</span><br/>
<span class="in1em">Also her son Tom lies at her feet</span><br/>
<span class="in1em">He lived till he made both ends meet."</span><br/></div>
</div>
<p>At Edinburgh:</p>
<div class="poem">
<div class="stanza">
<span class="in1em">"John Mc pherson</span><br/>
<span class="in1em">Was a wonderful person</span><br/>
<span class="in1em">He stood 6 ft 2 without his shoe</span><br/>
<span class="in1em">And he was slew.</span><br/>
<span class="in1em">At Waterloo."</span><br/></div>
</div>
<p>One John Round was lost at sea, and in the grave-yard of his native
place a stone was erected with the following couplet inscribed
thereon:</p>
<div class="poem">
<div class="stanza">
<span class="in1em">"Under this bed lies John Round</span><br/>
<span class="in1em">Who was lost at sea and never found."</span><br/></div>
</div>
<div class="pagenum">[Pg. 37]</div>
<p>In an old church-yard in Ireland:</p>
<blockquote>
<p>"Here lies John Highley whose father and mother were drownded on their
passage to America. Had they lived they would have been buried
here."</p>
</blockquote>
<p>In a church-yard in Ohio:</p>
<div class="poem">
<div class="stanza">
<span class="in1em">"Under this sod</span><br/>
<span class="in2em">And under these trees</span><br/>
<span class="in1em">Lieth the Bod</span><br/>
<span class="in2em">Y of Solomon Pease.</span><br/>
<span class="in1em">He's not in this hole</span><br/>
<span class="in2em">But only his pod.</span><br/>
<span class="in1em">He shelled out his soul</span><br/>
<span class="in2em">And went up to his God."</span><br/></div>
</div>
<p>From a tombstone in Cornwall, England:</p>
<div class="poem">
<div class="stanza">
<span class="">"Father and mother and I</span><br/>
<span class="">Lie buried here asunder;</span><br/>
<span class="">Father and mother lie buried here,</span><br/>
<span class="">And I lie buried yonder."</span><br/></div>
</div>
<div class="pagenum">[Pg. 38]</div>
<p>On Eliza Newman:</p>
<div class="poem">
<div class="stanza">
<span class="">"Like a tender Rose Tree was my Spouse to me;</span><br/>
<span class="">Her offspring Pluckt too long deprived of life was she.</span><br/>
<span class=""><i>Three went before.</i> Her Life went with the Six</span><br/>
<span class="">I stay with 3 Our sorrows for to mix</span><br/>
<span class="">Till Christ our only hope, Our Joys doth fix."</span><br/></div>
</div>
<p>On a drummer, in an English church-yard:</p>
<div class="poem">
<div class="stanza">
<span class="in1em">"Tom Clark was a drummer, who went to the war,</span><br/>
<span class="in1em">And was killed by a bullet, and his soul sent for;</span><br/>
<span class="in1em">There were no friends to mourn him, for his virtues were rare,</span><br/>
<span class="in1em">He died like a man, and like a Christian bear."</span><br/></div>
</div>
<div class="pagenum">[Pg. 39]</div>
<p>On a stone near Appomattox Court-house, Virginia:</p>
<blockquote><p>"Robert C Wright was born June 26th 1772 Died July 2. 1815 by the blood
thrusty hand of John Sweeny Sr Who was massacred with the Nife then a
London Gun discharge a ball penetrate the Heart that give the immortal
wound."</p>
</blockquote>
<p>At Middletown, Connecticut, is the following:</p>
<div class="poem">
<div class="stanza">
<span class="in1em">"This lovely, pleasant child—</span><br/>
<span class="in2em">He was our only one,</span><br/>
<span class="in1em">Altho' we've buried three before—</span><br/>
<span class="in2em">Two daughters and a son."</span><br/></div>
</div>
<p>The controlling power of rhyme is well illustrated in the subjoined,
from a tombstone in Manchester:</p>
<div class="poem">
<div class="stanza">
<span class="in1em">"Here lies alas! more's the pity,</span><br/>
<span class="in2em">All that remains of Nicholas Newcity.</span><br/>
<span class="in3em">"N. B.—His name was Newtown."</span><br/></div>
</div>
<div class="pagenum">[Pg. 40]</div>
<p>Another instance of how rhyming difficulties may be overcome is as
follows:</p>
<div class="poem">
<div class="stanza">
<span class="in1em">"Here lies the remains of Thomas Woodhen,</span><br/>
<span class="in1em">The most amiable of husbands and excellent of men.</span><br/></div>
</div>
<blockquote>
<p>"N. B.—His real name was Woodcock, but it wouldn't come in
rhyme. <i>His Widow.</i>"</p>
</blockquote>
<p>The subjoined contains a solemn warning:</p>
<div class="poem">
<div class="stanza">
<span class="in1em">"My wife has left me, she's gone up on high,</span><br/>
<span class="in1em">She was thoughtful while dying, and said 'Tom, don't cry.'</span><br/>
<span class="in1em">She was a great beauty, so every one knows,</span><br/>
<span class="in1em">With Hebe like features and a fine Roman nose;</span><br/>
<span class="in1em">She played the piany, and was learning a ballad,</span><br/>
<span class="in1em">When she sickened and die-did from eating veal salad."</span><br/></div>
</div>
<div class="pagenum">[Pg. 41]</div>
<p>Upon a tombstone in Pennsylvania:</p>
<div class="center">
"Battle of Shiloh.<br/>
April 6 1862</div>
<blockquote><p>John D L was born March 26 1839 in the town of West Dresden
State of New York where the wicked cease from troubling and
the weary are at rest."</p>
</blockquote>
<p>A tombstone in Pittsfield, Massachusetts, has these lines:</p>
<div class="poem">
<div class="stanza">
<span class="in1em">"When you my friends are passing by,</span><br/>
<span class="in1em">And this inform you where I lie,</span><br/>
<span class="in1em">Remember you ere long must have,</span><br/>
<span class="in1em">Like me, a mansion in the grave,</span><br/>
<span class="in1em">Also 3 infants, 2 sons and a daughter."</span><br/></div>
</div>
<div class="pagenum">[Pg. 42]</div>
<div class="chpthd center">
<div style="break-after:column;"></div><br />
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