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<h2> CHAPTER 7 </h2>
<p>A town wit described. The dullest fellows may learn to be comical for a
night or two</p>
<p>When the morning arrived on which we were to entertain our young landlord,
it may be easily supposed what provisions were exhausted to make an
appearance. It may also be conjectured that my wife and daughters expanded
their gayest plumage upon this occasion. Mr Thornhill came with a couple
of friends, his chaplain, and feeder. The servants, who were numerous, he
politely ordered to the next ale-house: but my wife, in the triumph of her
heart, insisted on entertaining them all; for which, by the bye, our
family was pinched for three weeks after. As Mr Burchell had hinted to us
the day before, that he was making some proposals of marriage, to Miss
Wilmot, my son George's former mistress, this a good deal damped the
heartiness of his reception: but accident, in some measure, relieved our
embarrasment; for one of the company happening to mention her name, Mr
Thornhill observed with an oath, that he never knew any thing more absurd
than calling such a fright a beauty: 'For strike me ugly,' continued he,
'if I should not find as much pleasure in choosing my mistress by the
information of a lamp under the clock at St Dunstan's.' At this he
laughed, and so did we:—the jests of the rich are ever successful.
Olivia too could not avoid whispering, loud enough to be heard, that he
had an infinite fund of humour. After dinner, I began with my usual toast,
the Church; for this I was thanked by the chaplain, as he said the church
was the only mistress of his affections.—'Come tell us honestly,
Frank,' said the 'Squire, with his usual archness, 'suppose the church,
your present mistress, drest in lawnsleeves, on one hand, and Miss Sophia,
with no lawn about her, on the other, which would you be for?' 'For both,
to be sure,' cried the chaplain.—'Right Frank,' cried the 'Squire;
'for may this glass suffocate me but a fine girl is worth all the
priestcraft in the creation. For what are tythes and tricks but an
imposition, all a confounded imposture, and I can prove it.'—'I wish
you would,' cried my son Moses, 'and I think,' continued he, 'that I
should be able to answer you.'—'Very well, Sir,' cried the 'Squire,
who immediately smoaked him,' and winking on the rest of the company, to
prepare us for the sport, if you are for a cool argument upon that
subject, I am ready to accept the challenge. And first, whether are you
for managing it analogically, or dialogically?' 'I am for managing it
rationally,' cried Moses, quite happy at being permitted to dispute. 'Good
again,' cried the 'Squire, 'and firstly, of the first. I hope you'll not
deny that whatever is is. If you don't grant me that, I can go no
further.'—'Why,' returned Moses, 'I think I may grant that, and make
the best of it.'—'I hope too,' returned the other, 'you'll grant
that a part is less than the whole.' 'I grant that too,' cried Moses, 'it
is but just and reasonable.'—'I hope,' cried the 'Squire, 'you will
not deny, that the two angles of a triangle are equal to two right ones.'—'Nothing
can be plainer,' returned t'other, and looked round with his usual
importance.—'Very well,' cried the 'Squire, speaking very quick,
'the premises being thus settled, I proceed to observe, that the
concatenation of self existences, proceeding in a reciprocal duplicate
ratio, naturally produce a problematical dialogism, which in some measure
proves that the essence of spirituality may be referred to the second
predicable'—'Hold, hold,' cried the other, 'I deny that: Do you
think I can thus tamely submit to such heterodox doctrines?'—'What,'
replied the 'Squire, as if in a passion, 'not submit! Answer me one plain
question: Do you think Aristotle right when he says, that relatives are
related?' 'Undoubtedly,' replied the other.—'If so then,' cried the
'Squire, 'answer me directly to what I propose: Whether do you judge the
analytical investigation of the first part of my enthymem deficient
secundum quoad, or quoad minus, and give me your reasons: give me your
reasons, I say, directly.'—'I protest,' cried Moses, 'I don't
rightly comprehend the force of your reasoning; but if it be reduced to
one simple proposition, I fancy it may then have an answer.'—'O
sir,' cried the 'Squire, 'I am your most humble servant, I find you want
me to furnish you with argument and intellects too. No, sir, there I
protest you are too hard for me.' This effectually raised the laugh
against poor Moses, who sate the only dismal figure in a groupe of merry
faces: nor, did he offer a single syllable more during the whole
entertainment.</p>
<p>But though all this gave me no pleasure, it had a very different effect
upon Olivia, who mistook it for humour, though but a mere act of the
memory. She thought him therefore a very fine gentleman; and such as
consider what powerful ingredients a good figure, fine cloaths, and
fortune, are in that character, will easily forgive her. Mr Thornhill,
notwithstanding his real ignorance, talked with ease, and could expatiate
upon the common topics of conversation with fluency. It is not surprising
then that such talents should win the affections of a girl, who by
education was taught to value an appearance in herself, and consequently
to set a value upon it in another.</p>
<p>Upon his departure, we again entered into a debate upon the merits of our
young landlord. As he directed his looks and conversation to Olivia, it
was no longer doubted but that she was the object that induced him to be
our visitor. Nor did she seem to be much displeased at the innocent
raillery of her brother and sister upon this occasion. Even Deborah
herself seemed to share the glory of the day, and exulted in her
daughter's victory as if it were her own. 'And now, my dear,' cried she to
me, 'I'll fairly own, that it was I that instructed my girls to encourage
our landlord's addresses. I had always some ambition, and you now see that
I was right; for who knows how this may end?' 'Ay, who knows that indeed,'
answered I, with a groan: 'for my part I don't much like it; and I could
have been better pleased with one that was poor and honest, than this fine
gentleman with his fortune and infidelity; for depend on't, if he be what
I suspect him, no free-thinker shall ever have a child of mine.' 'Sure,
father,' cried Moses, 'you are too severe in this; for heaven will never
arraign him for what he thinks, but for what he does. Every man has a
thousand vicious thoughts, which arise without his power to suppress.
Thinking freely of religion, may be involuntary with this gentleman: so
that allowing his sentiments to be wrong, yet as he is purely passive in
his assent, he is no more to be blamed for his errors than the governor of
a city without walls for the shelter he is obliged to afford an invading
enemy.'</p>
<p>'True, my son,' cried I; 'but if the governor invites the enemy, there he
is justly culpable. And such is always the case with those who embrace
error. The vice does not lie in assenting to the proofs they see; but in
being blind to many of the proofs that offer. So that, though our
erroneous opinions be involuntary when formed, yet as we have been
wilfully corrupt, or very negligent in forming them, we deserve punishment
for our vice, or contempt for our folly.' My wife now kept up the
conversation, though not the argument: she observed, that several very
prudent men of our acquaintance were free-thinkers, and made very good
husbands; and she knew some sensible girls that had skill enough to make
converts of their spouses: 'And who knows, my dear,' continued she, 'what
Olivia may be able to do. The girl has a great deal to say upon every
subject, and to my knowledge is very well skilled in controversy.'</p>
<p>'Why, my dear, what controversy can she have read?' cried I. 'It does not
occur to me that I ever put such books into her hands: you certainly
over-rate her merit.' 'Indeed, pappa,' replied Olivia, 'she does not: I
have read a great deal of controversy. I have read the disputes between
Thwackum and Square; the controversy between Robinson Crusoe and Friday
the savage, and I am now employed in reading the controversy in Religious
courtship'—'Very well,' cried I, 'that's a good girl, I find you are
perfectly qualified for making converts, and so go help your mother to
make the gooseberry-pye.'</p>
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