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Wit and Humor of America, The Vol 04

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<h2>CRANKIDOXOLOGY[2]</h2> <h3>BY WALLACE IRWIN</h3> <h3>(Being a Mental Attitude from Bernard Pshaw)</h3> <div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> It's wrong to be thoroughly human, It's stupid alone to be good, And why should the "virtuous" woman Continue to do as she should? (It's stupid to do as you should!) </div> <div class="stanza"> For I'd rather be famous than pleasant, I'd rather be rude than polite; It's easy to sneer When you're witty and queer, And I'd rather be Clever than Right. </div> <div class="stanza"> I'm bored by mere Shakespeare and Milton, Though Hubbard compels me to rave; If I should lay laurels to wilt on That foggy Shakespearean grave, How William would squirm in his grave! </div> <div class="stanza"> For I'd rather be Pshaw than be Shakespeare, I'd rather be Candid than Wise; And the way I amuse Is to roundly abuse The Public I feign to despise. </div> <div class="stanza"> I'm a Socialist, loving my brother In quite an original way, With my maxim, "Detest One Another"— Though, faith, I don't mean what I say. (It's beastly to mean what you say!) </div> <div class="stanza"> For I'm fonder of talk than of Husbands, And I'm fonder of fads than of Wives, So I say unto you, If you don't as you do You will do as you don't all your lives. </div> <div class="stanza"> My "Candida's" ruddy as coral, With thoughts quite too awfully plain— If folks would just call me Immoral I'd feel that I'd not lived in vain. (It's nasty, this living in vain!) </div> <div class="stanza"> For I'd rather be Martyred than Married, I'd rather be tempted than tamed, And if I had my way (At least, so I say) All Babes would be labeled, "Unclaimed." </div> <div class="stanza"> I'm an epigrammatical Moses, Whose humorous tablets of stone Condemn affectations and poses— Excepting a few of my own. (I dote on a few of my own.) </div> <div class="stanza"> For my method of booming the market When Managers ask for a play Is to say on a bluff, "I'm so fond of my stuff That I don't want it acted—go 'way!" </div> <div class="stanza"> I'm the club-ladies' Topic of Topics, Where solemn discussions are spent In struggles as hot as the tropics, Attempting to find what I meant. (I never can tell what I meant!) </div> <div class="stanza"> For it's fun to make bosh of the Gospel, And it's sport to make gospel of Bosh, While divorcées hurrah For the Sayings of Pshaw And his sub-psychological Josh. </div> </div> <hr style="width: 65%;" /> <div style="break-after:column;"></div>

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