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<h2> FOUR BEASTS IN ONE—THE HOMO-CAMELEOPARD </h2>
<p>Chacun a ses vertus.<br/>
—<i>Crebillon's Xerxes.</i><br/></p>
<p>ANTIOCHUS EPIPHANES is very generally looked upon as the Gog of the
prophet Ezekiel. This honor is, however, more properly attributable to
Cambyses, the son of Cyrus. And, indeed, the character of the Syrian
monarch does by no means stand in need of any adventitious embellishment.
His accession to the throne, or rather his usurpation of the sovereignty,
a hundred and seventy-one years before the coming of Christ; his attempt
to plunder the temple of Diana at Ephesus; his implacable hostility to the
Jews; his pollution of the Holy of Holies; and his miserable death at
Taba, after a tumultuous reign of eleven years, are circumstances of a
prominent kind, and therefore more generally noticed by the historians of
his time than the impious, dastardly, cruel, silly, and whimsical
achievements which make up the sum total of his private life and
reputation.</p>
<p>Let us suppose, gentle reader, that it is now the year of the world three
thousand eight hundred and thirty, and let us, for a few minutes, imagine
ourselves at that most grotesque habitation of man, the remarkable city of
Antioch. To be sure there were, in Syria and other countries, sixteen
cities of that appellation, besides the one to which I more particularly
allude. But ours is that which went by the name of Antiochia Epidaphne,
from its vicinity to the little village of Daphne, where stood a temple to
that divinity. It was built (although about this matter there is some
dispute) by Seleucus Nicanor, the first king of the country after
Alexander the Great, in memory of his father Antiochus, and became
immediately the residence of the Syrian monarchy. In the flourishing times
of the Roman Empire, it was the ordinary station of the prefect of the
eastern provinces; and many of the emperors of the queen city (among whom
may be mentioned, especially, Verus and Valens) spent here the greater
part of their time. But I perceive we have arrived at the city itself. Let
us ascend this battlement, and throw our eyes upon the town and
neighboring country.</p>
<p>"What broad and rapid river is that which forces its way, with innumerable
falls, through the mountainous wilderness, and finally through the
wilderness of buildings?"</p>
<p>That is the Orontes, and it is the only water in sight, with the exception
of the Mediterranean, which stretches, like a broad mirror, about twelve
miles off to the southward. Every one has seen the Mediterranean; but let
me tell you, there are few who have had a peep at Antioch. By few, I mean,
few who, like you and me, have had, at the same time, the advantages of a
modern education. Therefore cease to regard that sea, and give your whole
attention to the mass of houses that lie beneath us. You will remember
that it is now the year of the world three thousand eight hundred and
thirty. Were it later—for example, were it the year of our Lord
eighteen hundred and forty-five, we should be deprived of this
extraordinary spectacle. In the nineteenth century Antioch is—that
is to say, Antioch will be—in a lamentable state of decay. It will
have been, by that time, totally destroyed, at three different periods, by
three successive earthquakes. Indeed, to say the truth, what little of its
former self may then remain, will be found in so desolate and ruinous a
state that the patriarch shall have removed his residence to Damascus.
This is well. I see you profit by my advice, and are making the most of
your time in inspecting the premises—in</p>
<p>-satisfying your eyes</p>
<p>With the memorials and the things of fame</p>
<p>That most renown this city.—</p>
<p>I beg pardon; I had forgotten that Shakespeare will not flourish for
seventeen hundred and fifty years to come. But does not the appearance of
Epidaphne justify me in calling it grotesque?</p>
<p>"It is well fortified; and in this respect is as much indebted to nature
as to art."</p>
<p>Very true.</p>
<p>"There are a prodigious number of stately palaces."</p>
<p>There are.</p>
<p>"And the numerous temples, sumptuous and magnificent, may bear comparison
with the most lauded of antiquity."</p>
<p>All this I must acknowledge. Still there is an infinity of mud huts, and
abominable hovels. We cannot help perceiving abundance of filth in every
kennel, and, were it not for the over-powering fumes of idolatrous
incense, I have no doubt we should find a most intolerable stench. Did you
ever behold streets so insufferably narrow, or houses so miraculously
tall? What gloom their shadows cast upon the ground! It is well the
swinging lamps in those endless colonnades are kept burning throughout the
day; we should otherwise have the darkness of Egypt in the time of her
desolation.</p>
<p>"It is certainly a strange place! What is the meaning of yonder singular
building? See! it towers above all others, and lies to the eastward of
what I take to be the royal palace."</p>
<p>That is the new Temple of the Sun, who is adored in Syria under the title
of Elah Gabalah. Hereafter a very notorious Roman Emperor will institute
this worship in Rome, and thence derive a cognomen, Heliogabalus. I dare
say you would like to take a peep at the divinity of the temple. You need
not look up at the heavens; his Sunship is not there—at least not
the Sunship adored by the Syrians. That deity will be found in the
interior of yonder building. He is worshipped under the figure of a large
stone pillar terminating at the summit in a cone or pyramid, whereby is
denoted Fire.</p>
<p>"Hark—behold!—who can those ridiculous beings be, half naked,
with their faces painted, shouting and gesticulating to the rabble?"</p>
<p>Some few are mountebanks. Others more particularly belong to the race of
philosophers. The greatest portion, however—those especially who
belabor the populace with clubs—are the principal courtiers of the
palace, executing as in duty bound, some laudable comicality of the
king's.</p>
<p>"But what have we here? Heavens! the town is swarming with wild beasts!
How terrible a spectacle!—how dangerous a peculiarity!"</p>
<p>Terrible, if you please; but not in the least degree dangerous. Each
animal if you will take the pains to observe, is following, very quietly,
in the wake of its master. Some few, to be sure, are led with a rope about
the neck, but these are chiefly the lesser or timid species. The lion, the
tiger, and the leopard are entirely without restraint. They have been
trained without difficulty to their present profession, and attend upon
their respective owners in the capacity of valets-de-chambre. It is true,
there are occasions when Nature asserts her violated dominions;—but
then the devouring of a man-at-arms, or the throttling of a consecrated
bull, is a circumstance of too little moment to be more than hinted at in
Epidaphne.</p>
<p>"But what extraordinary tumult do I hear? Surely this is a loud noise even
for Antioch! It argues some commotion of unusual interest."</p>
<p>Yes—undoubtedly. The king has ordered some novel spectacle—some
gladiatorial exhibition at the hippodrome—or perhaps the massacre of
the Scythian prisoners—or the conflagration of his new palace—or
the tearing down of a handsome temple—or, indeed, a bonfire of a few
Jews. The uproar increases. Shouts of laughter ascend the skies. The air
becomes dissonant with wind instruments, and horrible with clamor of a
million throats. Let us descend, for the love of fun, and see what is
going on! This way—be careful! Here we are in the principal street,
which is called the street of Timarchus. The sea of people is coming this
way, and we shall find a difficulty in stemming the tide. They are pouring
through the alley of Heraclides, which leads directly from the palace;—therefore
the king is most probably among the rioters. Yes;—I hear the shouts
of the herald proclaiming his approach in the pompous phraseology of the
East. We shall have a glimpse of his person as he passes by the temple of
Ashimah. Let us ensconce ourselves in the vestibule of the sanctuary; he
will be here anon. In the meantime let us survey this image. What is it?
Oh! it is the god Ashimah in proper person. You perceive, however, that he
is neither a lamb, nor a goat, nor a satyr, neither has he much
resemblance to the Pan of the Arcadians. Yet all these appearances have
been given—I beg pardon—will be given—by the learned of
future ages, to the Ashimah of the Syrians. Put on your spectacles, and
tell me what it is. What is it?</p>
<p>"Bless me! it is an ape!"</p>
<p>True—a baboon; but by no means the less a deity. His name is a
derivation of the Greek Simia—what great fools are antiquarians! But
see!—see!—yonder scampers a ragged little urchin. Where is he
going? What is he bawling about? What does he say? Oh! he says the king is
coming in triumph; that he is dressed in state; that he has just finished
putting to death, with his own hand, a thousand chained Israelitish
prisoners! For this exploit the ragamuffin is lauding him to the skies.
Hark! here comes a troop of a similar description. They have made a Latin
hymn upon the valor of the king, and are singing it as they go:</p>
<p>Mille, mille, mille,</p>
<p>Mille, mille, mille,</p>
<p>Decollavimus, unus homo!</p>
<p>Mille, mille, mille, mille, decollavimus!</p>
<p>Mille, mille, mille,</p>
<p>Vivat qui mille mille occidit!</p>
<p>Tantum vini habet nemo</p>
<p>Quantum sanguinis effudit!(*1)</p>
<p>Which may be thus paraphrased:</p>
<p>A thousand, a thousand, a thousand,</p>
<p>A thousand, a thousand, a thousand,</p>
<p>We, with one warrior, have slain!</p>
<p>A thousand, a thousand, a thousand, a thousand.</p>
<p>Sing a thousand over again!</p>
<p>Soho!—let us sing</p>
<p>Long life to our king,</p>
<p>Who knocked over a thousand so fine!</p>
<p>Soho!—let us roar,</p>
<p>He has given us more</p>
<p>Red gallons of gore</p>
<p>Than all Syria can furnish of wine!</p>
<p>"Do you hear that flourish of trumpets?"</p>
<p>Yes: the king is coming! See! the people are aghast with admiration, and
lift up their eyes to the heavens in reverence. He comes;—he is
coming;—there he is!</p>
<p>"Who?—where?—the king?—do not behold him—cannot
say that I perceive him."</p>
<p>Then you must be blind.</p>
<p>"Very possible. Still I see nothing but a tumultuous mob of idiots and
madmen, who are busy in prostrating themselves before a gigantic
cameleopard, and endeavoring to obtain a kiss of the animal's hoofs. See!
the beast has very justly kicked one of the rabble over—and another—and
another—and another. Indeed, I cannot help admiring the animal for
the excellent use he is making of his feet."</p>
<p>Rabble, indeed!—why these are the noble and free citizens of
Epidaphne! Beasts, did you say?—take care that you are not
overheard. Do you not perceive that the animal has the visage of a man?
Why, my dear sir, that cameleopard is no other than Antiochus Epiphanes,
Antiochus the Illustrious, King of Syria, and the most potent of all the
autocrats of the East! It is true, that he is entitled, at times,
Antiochus Epimanes—Antiochus the madman—but that is because
all people have not the capacity to appreciate his merits. It is also
certain that he is at present ensconced in the hide of a beast, and is
doing his best to play the part of a cameleopard; but this is done for the
better sustaining his dignity as king. Besides, the monarch is of gigantic
stature, and the dress is therefore neither unbecoming nor over large. We
may, however, presume he would not have adopted it but for some occasion
of especial state. Such, you will allow, is the massacre of a thousand
Jews. With how superior a dignity the monarch perambulates on all fours!
His tail, you perceive, is held aloft by his two principal concubines,
Elline and Argelais; and his whole appearance would be infinitely
prepossessing, were it not for the protuberance of his eyes, which will
certainly start out of his head, and the queer color of his face, which
has become nondescript from the quantity of wine he has swallowed. Let us
follow him to the hippodrome, whither he is proceeding, and listen to the
song of triumph which he is commencing:</p>
<p>Who is king but Epiphanes?</p>
<p>Say—do you know?</p>
<p>Who is king but Epiphanes?</p>
<p>Bravo!—bravo!</p>
<p>There is none but Epiphanes,</p>
<p>No—there is none:</p>
<p>So tear down the temples,</p>
<p>And put out the sun!</p>
<p>Well and strenuously sung! The populace are hailing him 'Prince of Poets,'
as well as 'Glory of the East,' 'Delight of the Universe,' and 'Most
Remarkable of Cameleopards.' They have encored his effusion, and do you
hear?—he is singing it over again. When he arrives at the
hippodrome, he will be crowned with the poetic wreath, in anticipation of
his victory at the approaching Olympics.</p>
<p>"But, good Jupiter! what is the matter in the crowd behind us?"</p>
<p>Behind us, did you say?—oh! ah!—I perceive. My friend, it is
well that you spoke in time. Let us get into a place of safety as soon as
possible. Here!—let us conceal ourselves in the arch of this
aqueduct, and I will inform you presently of the origin of the commotion.
It has turned out as I have been anticipating. The singular appearance of
the cameleopard and the head of a man, has, it seems, given offence to the
notions of propriety entertained, in general, by the wild animals
domesticated in the city. A mutiny has been the result; and, as is usual
upon such occasions, all human efforts will be of no avail in quelling the
mob. Several of the Syrians have already been devoured; but the general
voice of the four-footed patriots seems to be for eating up the
cameleopard. 'The Prince of Poets,' therefore, is upon his hinder legs,
running for his life. His courtiers have left him in the lurch, and his
concubines have followed so excellent an example. 'Delight of the
Universe,' thou art in a sad predicament! 'Glory of the East,' thou art in
danger of mastication! Therefore never regard so piteously thy tail; it
will undoubtedly be draggled in the mud, and for this there is no help.
Look not behind thee, then, at its unavoidable degradation; but take
courage, ply thy legs with vigor, and scud for the hippodrome! Remember
that thou art Antiochus Epiphanes. Antiochus the Illustrious!—also
'Prince of Poets,' 'Glory of the East,' 'Delight of the Universe,' and
'Most Remarkable of Cameleopards!' Heavens! what a power of speed thou art
displaying! What a capacity for leg-bail thou art developing! Run, Prince!—Bravo,
Epiphanes! Well done, Cameleopard!—Glorious Antiochus!—He
runs!—he leaps!—he flies! Like an arrow from a catapult he
approaches the hippodrome! He leaps!—he shrieks!—he is there!
This is well; for hadst thou, 'Glory of the East,' been half a second
longer in reaching the gates of the Amphitheatre, there is not a bear's
cub in Epidaphne that would not have had a nibble at thy carcase. Let us
be off—let us take our departure!—for we shall find our
delicate modern ears unable to endure the vast uproar which is about to
commence in celebration of the king's escape! Listen! it has already
commenced. See!—the whole town is topsy-turvy.</p>
<p>"Surely this is the most populous city of the East! What a wilderness of
people! what a jumble of all ranks and ages! what a multiplicity of sects
and nations! what a variety of costumes! what a Babel of languages! what a
screaming of beasts! what a tinkling of instruments! what a parcel of
philosophers!"</p>
<p>Come let us be off.</p>
<p>"Stay a moment! I see a vast hubbub in the hippodrome; what is the meaning
of it, I beseech you?"</p>
<p>That?—oh, nothing! The noble and free citizens of Epidaphne being,
as they declare, well satisfied of the faith, valor, wisdom, and divinity
of their king, and having, moreover, been eye-witnesses of his late
superhuman agility, do think it no more than their duty to invest his
brows (in addition to the poetic crown) with the wreath of victory in the
footrace—a wreath which it is evident he must obtain at the
celebration of the next Olympiad, and which, therefore, they now give him
in advance.</p>
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<h2> Footnotes—Four Beasts </h2>
<p>(*1) Flavius Vospicus says, that the hymn here introduced was sung by the
rabble upon the occasion of Aurelian, in the Sarmatic war, having slain,
with his own hand, nine hundred and fifty of the enemy.</p>
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