<h2>SO WAGS THE WORLD</h2>
<h3>BY ANNE WARNER</h3>
<h3>(With apologies to Samuel Pepys, Esquire)</h3>
<h3><i>February first</i></h3>
<p>My birthday and I exceedingly merry thereat having in divers friends and
much good wine beside two pasties and more of all than we could eat and
drink had we been doubled. Afterwards to the play-house and a very good
play and hence to a supper the which most hot and comforting with a butt
of brandy and divers cocktails and they being very full did make great
sport and joke me that I had never taken a wife to which replied neatly
saying that for my part in my twenties did feel myself too young and in
my thirties did never chance upon one comely and to my taste at which
great applause and pretty to see me bow to right and left although in
mortal fear lest something give way, I being grown heavier of late and
the quality of cloth suffering from the New York Custom House. The
applause being over did continue my speech and say that in my forties
had had little time to think of aught but my own personal affairs, but
that now being come to my fifties was well disposed to share them and
they did all drink to that and smash their glasses with right good cheer
prophesying my marriage and drinking long life to Her and me and Lord
but it did like me to hear speak of Her the which brought tears<span class='pagenum'><SPAN name="Page_1093" id="Page_1093"></SPAN></span> to mine
eyes, considering that they did speak of my wife, and so did weep freely
and they with me. My mind then a blank but home in some shape and the
maid did get me to my room and what a head this morning! Misliketh me
much to bethink me how I did comport myself, but a man is fifty but
once.</p>
<p>To mine office where did buy and sell as usual.</p>
<h3><i>February third</i></h3>
<p>Comes H. Nevil in a glass coach to take me to drive and did talk much of
his niece, she being fresh from France and of a good skin and fair
voice. Was of a great joy to ride in a glass coach and pleasant to look
constantly out backward, but great rattling and do think my modest
brougham sufficeth me well, but H. Nevil very disdainful of the brougham
and saith a man is known by the company he keepeth, the which strange in
mine eyes we being alone together in the coach but did go with him to a
horse dealer's.</p>
<p>To mine office as usual and there did buy and sell.</p>
<h3><i>February eighth</i></h3>
<p>To dine with H. Nevil and his wife and she a monstrous pleasant lady and
the dinner good only the wine poor and my vest too tight which vastly
misliked me, I being loth to grow stout and yet all at odds with my
belts, the which trying me sadly for I do pay my tailor as many do not.
And the niece a striking fine girl modest and not raising her eyes the
which much to my taste and drinking only lambs-wool and at cards knowing
not tierce from deuce. H. Nevil making great ado over my new coach did
have it out with pride and we to the Country<span class='pagenum'><SPAN name="Page_1094" id="Page_1094"></SPAN></span> Club for a late supper,
the which well-cooked but my vest much tighter and so home and to bed.</p>
<p>Railway stocks risen two points.</p>
<h3><i>February twentieth</i></h3>
<p>Did take a box at the Play and ask H. Nevil, his wife and niece and a
supper afterwards and pretty to see how miss did refuse mine eyes and
hardly speak two words, the which greatly to my admiration and after
supper did lead her to the coach and press her hand with curious effect
to mine own hair, the which strange and prickly and home and much
thinking on the merry talk at my birthday before sleep.</p>
<p>Stocks falling somewhat.</p>
<h3><i>March nineteenth</i></h3>
<p>Much agitated and all trembling and of a cold sweat. The Lord have mercy
and me all unwitting until in some strange way do find myself today
betrothed the which I do heartily pray to be for the good of all
concerned, although expensive and worse to come.</p>
<p>No heart for stocks, but the same arising.</p>
<h3><i>April sixteenth</i></h3>
<p>Do find the being betrothed more to my taste than anticipated and tell
H. Nevil he shall be remembered with pointers when the market turns
again. We to the park to drive each afternoon and many admiring of her
beauty, she desiring often to drive but I firm in refusing for I will be
master in my own house.</p>
<p>Comes one Lasselle and makes a great tale of a mine<span class='pagenum'><SPAN name="Page_1095" id="Page_1095"></SPAN></span> and I with no time
for him, but do set the office boy to look him up in Bradstreet.</p>
<p>These be busy days with a corner on parsnips.</p>
<h3><i>May tenth</i></h3>
<p>The business of being director in Lasselle's mine ended this day and to
a great dinner that he giveth in my honor and my portrait on all the
cards the which pleaseth me mightily and I all complimented and
congratulationed and sly hints on my approaching marriage to the which I
all smiles for Lord the thing being done one must be of good courage.</p>
<p>Quotations low, beshrew them.</p>
<h3><i>June seventh (the Mountains)</i></h3>
<p>Married this day and to do in a turmoil wheat being all a-rage and me
forced to go home to dress before noon. Did scarce know where I was with
Extras being cried outside the church window and H. Nevil giving the
bride away and on the wrong side of the market by my advice. The bride
hystericky in the carriage and at the station wept so that I was fair
beside myself. Did bethink me to kiss her in the train, but small
comfort to either. What will become of my affairs I know not, this place
being all without stock reports and I half mad and with naught to pass
the time.</p>
<p>Comes my wife as I write and will have the key to her largest trunk the
same it doth appear is lost, the which on discovery she layeth at my
door and weepeth afresh. Did strive to cheer her but with a heavy
heart.<span class='pagenum'><SPAN name="Page_1096" id="Page_1096"></SPAN></span></p>
<h3><i>August tenth</i></h3>
<p>This do be the hottest summer in many years and lest I forget to set it
down more mad dogs than can well be handled. My wife very hystericky and
forever in a smock and declareth she would be dead and married life a
delusion, the which opinion I take small issue with having my hands full
of business and Lasselle forever at my heels with our affair of the mine
not to speak of H. Nevil which waileth continually over how he was
caught short in the month of June. Beshrew me if I repent not of June on
mine own behalf but am determined to live properly and so have
despatched a messenger to my cousin Sarah Badminton asking that she come
to keep mine house.</p>
<h3><i>August twentieth</i></h3>
<p>Comes Sarah Badminton this day and Lord but a plain woman, being flat
like unto a board from her heels up unto her head, but curiously shaped
in and out in front. Still she do seem a worthy jade and good at heart
and ever attentive when I will to converse and sitteth with me of a
breakfast my wife being ever asleep till ten.</p>
<p>Last night to the Play where comes Lasselle and makes very merry and
telleth jokes the which of great amusement to my wife while I find no
mirth therein. Later to supper at the coffee house and my wife
exceedingly witty and me all of a wonder at the change in her in public
and on reflection do find it passing strange that one ugly like Mistress
Badminton will effort her to be gracious at home while one so handsome
as my wife sleeps ever.</p>
<p>To my office where did buy and sell as usual.<span class='pagenum'><SPAN name="Page_1097" id="Page_1097"></SPAN></span></p>
<h3><i>September sixteenth</i></h3>
<p>My wife not well and strangely indisposed towards me yawning unduly and
complaining that life is dull, yet gay enough for others and of a great
joy over riding horseback with Lasselle. Last night did chide her in bed
for upwards of an hour and misliked me greatly when I had done to find
that she slept for some while before. Will have the doctor to her for
there be surely something amiss in a woman who is not happy with me.</p>
<p>To my office and H. Nevil all excitement over his margins.</p>
<h3><i>October twenty-ninth</i></h3>
<p>Returned this day from a trip to the Coast and find my wife no better
although the doctor hath been with her each day. She saith the doctor
adviseth quiet until spring. Comes Mrs. Badminton her face all awry and
will that I go with her to Carlsbad and my affairs so many as never was
and never any lover of the sea. That which causeth me great vexation
that I have a wife and say flatly to Mrs. Badminton to ask the doctor if
he can not take her to Carlsbad any money being wiser than to travel
with oats where they be now and chicken feed going up to beat the band,
at which the good woman raiseth her hands aloft and maketh such
demonstration that I clean out of patience and basted her with the fire
shovel the same being not courteous but sadly necessary to all
appearance.</p>
<h3><i>November sixth</i></h3>
<p>My wife most nervous and there being no peace with Her did discuss the
same with Lasselle to-day and al<span class='pagenum'><SPAN name="Page_1098" id="Page_1098"></SPAN></span>though unmarried yet did sympathize
much and advise for me with a right good will telling me of a place in
southern France where he hath been and the same beyond all else for the
nerves only lonely but that not so bad since he proposeth going there
this winter himself and can see after my wife somewhat the which greatly
to my relief and so home and did discourse thereon with Mistress
Badminton the which drew a long face and plain to see was dead against
the plan the which putting me in a fine temper with what a woman hath
for brains.</p>
<p>Wheat rising and A. B. & C. going down comes H. Nevil short to borrow
the which crowneth my fury his niece being so far from making me happy
and he being the cause of all. But did indorse two notes for him and so
home and to bed with a bad grace and glad that my wife has betaken
herself to another room.</p>
<h3><i>December ninth</i></h3>
<p>From the dock and my wife do be gone and now we may look for some peace
the which sad enough needed.</p>
<h3><i>December tenth</i></h3>
<p>Comes H. Nevil all distraught to say that it is about at the clubs that
my wife will have a divorce and marry the doctor, on the which hearing I
much annoyed and summon Mrs. Badminton who denyeth the doctor but
asserteth Lasselle whereupon we in a great taking and much brandy and
soda but at last reflection and do decide not to sue but to pity
Lasselle for of a verity she be forever out of temper and flounceth when
questioned.</p>
<p>To mine office and D. & E. going up comes H. Nevil to borrow again the
gall of which doth take me greatly.<span class='pagenum'><SPAN name="Page_1099" id="Page_1099"></SPAN></span></p>
<h3><i>January seventeenth</i></h3>
<p>Am all of a taking for that the papers in my wife's divorce do be filed
into me this day and great to do when I learn that the cause she
declareth is Sarah Badminton a woman as little comely as never was and
mine own cousin. Verily the ways of a wife be past understanding.</p>
<h3><i>April eleventh</i></h3>
<p>Free this day and being free comes Mrs. Badminton weeping and declareth
she be ruined if I marry her not next the which doth so overcome me that
ere I have time to rally she hath kissed me and called me hers.</p>
<p>To my office with a heavy heart having no assurance of how this second
marriage will turn out and little hope but seeing H. Nevil with a long
face did refuse to give him any inside information the which led to his
going under about noon to my great joy for it was he who did get me in
this marrying habit.</p>
<h3><i>February first</i></h3>
<p>My birthday and Lord what eating and drinking the which being good
beyond compare my wife staying in the pantry to keep the whole in trim
and all my friends discoursing on my joy the which is truly great she
being so plain that a man will never look at her and so loving that she
adoreth me come smiles come frowns.</p>
<p>But that which doth astonish me much is that H. Nevil telleth me that
she that was once my wife is of exceeding content with Lasselle a piece
of news which I can scarce credit comparing him with myself.</p>
<p>But so wags the world.<span class='pagenum'><SPAN name="Page_1100" id="Page_1100"></SPAN></span></p>
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