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Alice in Wonderland (Drama)

<h2>ACT III</h2>   SCENE ONE Is a garden of high, very conventional and artificial looking flowers. On a large mushroom sits the Caterpillar smoking a hookah. Alice is whirling about trying to get her equilibrium after her fall. She goes to the mushroom timidly and, conscious of her size, for her chin reaches the top of the mushroom, she gazes at the Caterpillar wonderingly. He looks at her lazily and speaks in a languid voice. Caterpillar Who are you? Alice I—I hardly know, sir, just at present. The Queen frightened me so and I’ve had an awfully funny fall down a tunnel or a sort of well. At least I know who I was when I got up this morning, but I think I must have been changed several times since then. Caterpillar What do you mean by that? Explain yourself. [Pg 99] Alice I can’t explain myself, I’m afraid, Sir, because I’m not myself, you see. Being so many different sizes in a day is very confusing.   <div class="figcenter"><ANTIMG src="images/img19.jpg" alt="" /></div>   Caterpillar You! Who are you? [Pg 100] Alice I think you ought to tell me who you are, first. Caterpillar Why? [As Alice turns away.] Come back. I’ve something important to say. [Alice comes back.] Keep your temper. Alice Is that all? Caterpillar No. [He puffs at the hookah in silence; finally takes it out of his mouth and unfolds his arms.] So you think you’re changed, do you? Alice I’m afraid I am, Sir; I don’t keep the same size. Caterpillar What size do you want to be? Alice I don’t know. At least I’ve never been so small as a caterpillar. [Pg 101] Caterpillar [Rears angrily.] It is a very good height indeed. Alice But I’m not used to it; I wish you wouldn’t all be so easily offended. Caterpillar You’ll get used to it in time. Alice Are you too big or am I too small? [She compares her height wonderingly with the tall flowers.] Caterpillar [Looks at her sleepily, yawns, shakes himself, slides down from the mushroom and crawls slowly away.] One side will make you grow taller, and the other side will make you grow shorter. Alice One side of what? The other side of what? Caterpillar Of the mushroom. [Pg 102][Alice hesitates, then embraces mushroom and picks bit from each side.] [Three gardeners representing spades enter carrying brushes and red paint cans.] Two-Spot Look out now, Five. Don’t go splashing paint over me like that. Five-Spot I couldn’t help it. Seven jogged my elbow. Seven-Spot That’s right, Five, always lay the blame on others. Five-Spot You’d better not talk. I heard the Queen say only yesterday you deserved to be beheaded. Two-Spot What for? Seven-Spot That’s none of your business, Two. Five-Spot Yes, it is his business, and I’ll tell him. It was for bringing the cook tulip roots instead of onions. [Pg 103] Seven-Spot Well, of all the unjust things— [Sees Alice; others look around, all bow.] Alice Could you please tell me what side to eat? [Five and Seven look at Two.] Two-Spot I don’t know anything about it. [He paints a white rose, red.] You ought to have been red, we put you in by mistake, and if the Queen was to find it out we should all have our heads cut off. [A thumping is heard off stage and the music grows louder and louder.] Alice What’s that? Five-Spot The White Chess Queen. Seven-Spot Don’t let her see what we are doing. Two-Spot She’ll tell on us. [Pg 104] Seven-Spot Run out and stop her from coming here. Five-Spot [To Alice as she runs to the right.] No, no, the other way. Alice But she’s off there! Two-Spot You can only meet her by walking the other way. Alice Oh! what nonsense. All the Gardeners Go the other way! Alice [Re-enters in dismay and dashes out to the left.] She’s running away from me. [The White Queen backs in from right and Alice backs in from left. They meet. The gardeners cry “The Queen” and throw themselves flat upon the ground; their backs are like the backs of the rest of the pack. Music stops. Alice looks at the Queen curiously.] [Pg 105] Alice Oh, there you are! Why, I’m just the size I was when I saw you last. White Queen Of course you are, and who are these? I can’t tell them by their backs. [She turns them over with her foot.] Turn over. Ah! I thought so! Get up! What have you been doing here? Two-Spot May it please your Majesty, we were trying— White Queen [Examines rose.] I see! Begone, or I’ll send the horses after you, and tell the Queen of Hearts. [Gardeners rush off. The Red Queen enters. Alice has gone to the mushroom again to look at its sides and there to her amazement finds a gold crown and scepter, which she immediately appropriates. Music. The Queens watch Alice superciliously. Alice puts on her crown, proudly exclaiming in great elation, “Queen Alice,” and walks down stage bowing right and left to the homage of imaginary subjects. She repeats as if scarcely daring to believe it true, “Queen Alice.” Music stops.] [Pg 106] Red Queen Ridiculous! Alice Isn’t this the Eighth Square? Red Queen You can’t be a Queen, you know, till you’ve passed the proper examination. White Queen The sooner we begin it, the better. Alice Please, would you tell me— Red Queen Speak when you’re spoken to. Alice But if everybody obeyed that rule, and if you only spoke when you were spoken to, and the other person always waited for you to begin, you see nobody would ever say anything, so that— Red Queen Preposterous. [Pg 107] Alice I only said “if.” Red Queen She says she only said “if.” White Queen [Moans and wrings her hands.] But she said a great deal more than that. Ah, yes, so much more than that. Red Queen So you did, you know; always speak the truth—think before you speak—and write it down afterwards. Alice I’m sure I didn’t mean— Red Queen That’s just what I complained of. You should have meant! What do you suppose is the use of a child without any meaning? Even a joke should have some meaning—and a child’s more important than a joke, I hope. You couldn’t deny that, even if you tried with both hands. Alice I don’t deny things with my hands. [Pg 108] Red Queen Nobody said you did. I said you couldn’t if you tried. White Queen She’s in that state of mind, that she wants to deny something—only she doesn’t know what to deny! Red Queen A nasty, vicious temper. I invite you to Alice’s dinner party this afternoon. White Queen And I invite you. Alice I didn’t know I was to have a party at all; but if there is to be one, I think I ought to invite the guests. Red Queen We gave you the opportunity of doing it, but I dare say you’ve not had many lessons in manners yet. Alice Manners are not taught in lessons; lessons teach you to do sums, and things of that sort. White Queen Can you do addition? What’s one and one and one and one and one and one and one and one and one and one? [Pg 109] Alice I don’t know. I lost count. Red Queen She can’t do addition; can you do subtraction? Take nine from eight. Alice Nine from eight I can’t, you know, but— White Queen She can’t do subtraction. Can you do division? Divide a loaf by a knife—what’s the answer to that? Alice I suppose— Red Queen [Answers for her.] Bread and butter, of course. Try another subtraction sum. Take a bone from a dog; what remains? Alice The bone wouldn’t remain, of course, if I took it—and the dog wouldn’t remain; it would come to bite me—and I’m sure I shouldn’t remain. [Pg 110] Red Queen Then you think nothing would remain? Alice I think that’s the answer. Red Queen Wrong as usual; the dog’s temper would remain. Alice But I don’t see how— Red Queen Why, look here; the dog would lose its temper, wouldn’t it? Alice Perhaps it would. Red Queen Then if the dog went away, its temper would remain! Alice They might go different ways! What dreadful nonsense we are talking. Both Queens She can’t do sums a bit! [Pg 111] Alice Can you do sums? White Queen I can do addition, if you give me time—but I can’t do subtraction under any circumstances. Red Queen Of course you know your A, B, C? Alice To be sure I do. White Queen So do I; we’ll often say it over together, dear. And I’ll tell you a secret—I can read words of one letter. Isn’t that grand? However, don’t be discouraged. You’ll come to it in time. Red Queen Can you answer useful questions? How is bread made? Alice I know that! You take some flour— White Queen Where do you pick the flower? In a garden or in the hedges? [Pg 112] Alice Well, it isn’t picked at all. It’s ground— White Queen How many acres of ground? You mustn’t leave out so many things. Red Queen Fan her head! She’ll be feverish after so much thinking. [They fan her with bunches of leaves which blow her hair wildly.] Alice Please—please— Red Queen She’s all right again now. Do you know languages? What’s the French for fiddle-de-dee? Alice Fiddle-de-dee’s not English. Red Queen Who ever said it was? Alice If you tell me what language fiddle-de-dee is, I’ll tell you the French for it! [Pg 113] Red Queen Queens never make bargains! Alice I wish Queens never asked questions! White Queen Don’t let us quarrel; what is the cause of lightning? Alice The cause of lightning is the thunder—no, no! I meant the other way. Red Queen It’s too late to correct it; when you’ve once said a thing, that fixes it, and you must take the consequences. White Queen We had such a thunderstorm next Tuesday, you can’t think. Red Queen She never could, you know. White Queen Part of the roof came off, and ever so much thunder got in—and it went rolling round the room in great lumps—and knocking over the tables and things—till I was so frightened, I couldn’t remember my own name! [Pg 114] Alice I never should try to remember my name in the middle of an accident. Where would be the use of it? Red Queen You must excuse her. She means well, but she can’t help saying foolish things, as a general rule. She never was really well brought up, but it’s amazing how good tempered she is! Pat her on the head, and see how pleased she’ll be! A little kindness and putting her hair in papers would do wonders with her. White Queen [Gives a deep sigh and leans her head on Alice’s shoulder.] I am so sleepy! Red Queen She’s tired, poor thing; smooth her hair—lend her your night cap—and sing her a soothing lullaby. Alice I haven’t got a night cap with me, and I don’t know any soothing lullabies.   <div class="figcenter"><ANTIMG src="images/img20tmb.jpg" alt="" /> Larger Image</div> Alice: Do wake up, you heavy things!   Red Queen I must do it myself, then. [Pg 115] Hush-a-by lady, in Alice’s lap! Till the feast’s ready, we’ve time for a nap; When the feast’s over, we’ll go to the ball— Red Queen and White Queen and Alice and all! And now you know the words. [She puts her head on Alice’s other shoulder.] Just sing it through to me. I’m getting sleepy too. [Both queens fall fast asleep and snore loudly.] Alice What am I to do? Take care of two Queens asleep at once? Do wake up, you heavy things! [All lights go out, leaving a mysterious glow on Alice and the queens.] White Rabbit [Blows trumpet off stage.] The trial’s beginning! Alice What trial is it? White Rabbit Who stole the tarts. Alice I ate a tart. [Pg 116] White Rabbit You’ve got to be tried. Alice I don’t want to be tried. White Rabbit You’ve got to be tried. Alice I won’t be tried—I won’t-I won’t!     SCENE TWO Is a court room suggesting playing cards. The jurymen are all kinds of creatures. The King and Queen of Hearts are seated on the throne. The Knave is before them in chains. The White Rabbit has a trumpet in one hand, and a scroll of parchment in the other. In the middle of the court stands a table with a large dish of tarts upon it. White Rabbit [Blows three blasts on his trumpet.] Silence in the court! Alice [Watches jurymen writing busily on their slates.] What are they doing? They can’t have anything to put down yet, before the trial’s begun. [Pg 117] Knave They’re putting down their names for fear they should forget them before the end of the trial. Alice Stupid things! White Rabbit Silence in the court! Jurors [Write in chorus.] Stupid things! One Juror How do you spell stupid? Alice A nice muddle their slates will be in before the trial’s over. Queen There’s a pencil squeaking. Cut it down! Jurors [In chorus as they write.] Squeaking— [Pg 118] King [Wears a crown over his wig; puts on his spectacles as he says.] Herald, read the accusation!   <div class="figcenter"><ANTIMG src="images/img21.jpg" alt="" /></div>   White Rabbit [Blows three blasts on his trumpet, unrolls parchment scroll and reads to music.] [Pg 119] The Queen of Hearts, she made some tarts, All on a summer day; The Knave of Hearts, he stole those tarts, And took them quite away! King Consider your verdict! White Rabbit Not yet, not yet; there’s a great deal to come before that. King Call the first witness. White Rabbit First witness! Hatter [Comes in with a teacup in one hand and a piece of bread and butter in the other.] I beg your pardon, your Majesty, for bringing these in, but I hadn’t quite finished my tea when I was sent for. King You ought to have finished; when did you begin? Hatter [Looks at the March Hare, who follows him arm-in-arm with the Dormouse.] [Pg 120]Fourteenth of March, I think it was. March Hare Fifteenth. Dormouse Sixteenth. King Write that down. Jury Fourteen, fifteen, sixteen—forty-five. Reduce that to shillings— King Take off your hat. Hatter It isn’t mine. King Stolen! Jury Stolen! Hatter I keep them to sell. I’ve none of my own. I’m a hatter. [Pg 121] Queen of Hearts [Puts on her spectacles and stares at Hatter, who fidgets uncomfortably.] King Give your evidence and don’t be nervous, or I’ll have you executed on the spot. [The Hatter continues to shift nervously from one foot to the other, looks uneasily at the Queen, trembles so that he shakes off both of his shoes, and in his confusion bites a large piece out of his teacup instead of the bread and butter.] Hatter I’m a poor man, your Majesty, and I hadn’t but just begun my tea—not above a week or so—and what with the bread and butter getting so thin—and the twinkling of the tea— King The twinkling of what? Hatter It began with the tea. King Of course twinkling begins with a T. Do you take me for a dunce? Go on! [Pg 122] Hatter I’m a poor man and most things twinkled after that—only the March Hare said— March Hare I didn’t! Hatter You did. March Hare I deny it. King He denies it; leave out that part. Queen But what did the Dormouse say? Hatter That I can’t remember. King You must remember or I’ll have you executed. Hatter [Drops teacup and bread and butter and goes down on one knee.] [Pg 123]I’m a poor man, your Majesty. King If that’s all you know about it you may stand down. Hatter I can’t go no lower; I’m on the floor as it is. King Then you may sit down. Hatter I’d rather finish my tea. King You may go. [The Hatter goes out hurriedly, leaving one of his shoes behind.] Queen [Nonchalantly to an officer.] And just take his head off outside. [But the Hatter was out of sight before the officer could get to the door.] King Call the next witness! [Pg 124] White Rabbit Next witness! [The Duchess enters with a pepper pot, which she shakes about. Everybody begins to sneeze. March Hare sneezes and rushes out.] King Give your evidence! Duchess Shan’t! White Rabbit Your Majesty must cross-examine this witness. King Well, if I must, I must. What does your cook say tarts are made of? Duchess Pepper. [The Duchess shakes the pot and the court sneezes.] Dormouse Treacle! [The Duchess shakes the pot at him. He sneezes for the first time.] [Pg 125] Queen Collar the Dormouse! Behead the Dormouse! Turn that Dormouse out of court! Suppress him! Pinch him! Off with his whiskers! [The whole court is in confusion, turning the Dormouse out, and while it is settling down again the Duchess disappears.] White Rabbit The Duchess! Court She’s gone—she’s gone. King Never mind! [In a low tone to the Queen.] Really, my dear, you must cross-examine the next witness. It quite makes my forehead ache! Call the next witness! White Rabbit [Fumbles with the parchment, then cries in a shrill little voice.] Alice! Alice Here! [Pg 126] King What do you know about this business? Alice Nothing whatever. King [To the jury.] That’s very important. White Rabbit Unimportant, your Majesty means, of course. King Unimportant, of course I meant. Important—unimportant—unimportant—important. Consider your verdict! [Some of the jury write “important” and some write “unimportant.”] White Rabbit There’s more evidence to come yet, please your Majesty; this paper has just been picked up. Queen What’s in it? White Rabbit [Fumbles with a huge envelope.] [Pg 127]I haven’t opened it yet, but it seems to be a letter, written by the prisoner to—to somebody. King It must have been that unless it was written to nobody, which isn’t usual, you know. Alice Who is it directed to? White Rabbit It isn’t directed at all; in fact, there’s nothing written on the outside. [Takes out a tiny piece of paper.] It isn’t a letter at all; it’s a set of verses. Queen Are they in the prisoner’s handwriting? [The jury brightens up.] White Rabbit [Looks at the Knave’s hand. Knave hides his hand; the chains rattle.] No, they’re not, and that’s the queerest thing about it. [The jury looks puzzled.] King He must have imitated somebody else’s hand! [Pg 128] Knave Please, your Majesty, I didn’t write it and they can’t prove I did; there’s no name signed at the end. King If you didn’t sign it that only makes the matter worse. You must have meant some mischief, or else you’d have signed your name like an honest man. [At this there is a general clapping of hands.] Queen That proves his guilt. Alice It proves nothing of the sort! Why, you don’t even know what they’re about. King Read them! White Rabbit [Puts on his monocle.] Where shall I begin, please your Majesty? King Begin at the beginning and go on till you come to the end, then stop. [Pg 129] White Rabbit “They told me you had been to her, And mentioned me to him; She gave me a good character, But said I could not swim. “I gave her one, they gave him two, You gave us three or more; They all returned from him to you, Though they were mine before. “My notion was that you had been (Before she had this fit) An obstacle that came between Him, and ourselves, and it. “Don’t let him know she liked him best, For this must ever be A secret, kept from all the rest, Between yourself and me.” King That’s the most important piece of evidence we’ve heard yet; so now let the jury— Alice If anyone of them can explain it, I’ll give him sixpence. I don’t believe there’s an atom of meaning in it. [Pg 130] Jury She doesn’t believe there’s an atom of meaning in it. King If there’s no meaning in it, that saves a world of trouble, you know, as we needn’t try to find any. And yet I don’t know. [Spreads out the verses on his knee and studies them.] I seem to see some meaning after all. “Said I could not swim.” You can’t swim, can you? Knave [Shakes his head sadly and points to his suit.] Do I look like it? King All right, so far; “We know it to be true,” that’s the jury, of course; “I gave her one, they gave him two” why that must be what he did with the tarts, you know— Alice But it goes on “they all returned from him to you.” King [Triumphantly pointing to the tarts.] Why, there they are! Nothing can be clearer than that. Then again, “before she had this fit,” you never had fits, my dear, I think? [Pg 131] Queen Never! King Then the words don’t fit you. [There is dead silence, while the King looks around at the court with a smile.] King It’s a pun! [Everybody laughs. Music.] King Let the jury consider their verdict. Queen No, no! Sentence first—verdict afterwards. Alice Stuff and nonsense! Queen [Furiously.] Hold your tongue! Alice I won’t! [Pg 132] Queen Off with her head! Alice Who cares for you? Queen Cut it off! Alice You’re nothing but a pack of cards! [As lights go out and curtain falls all the characters hold their positions as if petrified.] CURTAIN     SCENE THREE [The curtain rises to show Alice still asleep in the armchair, the fire in the grate suffusing her with its glow.] Carroll Wake up, Alice, it is time for tea. [Off stage the characters repeat their most characteristic lines, “Off with her head,” “Consider your verdict,” “Oh! my fur and whiskers”; the Duchess sneezes, the cat cries,[Pg 133] as if the characters were fading away into the pack of real playing cards which shower through the mirror all over Alice. There is music.] Alice [Wakes, rises, and looks about in surprise and wonderment.] Why——it was a dream! CURTAIN <div style="break-after:column;"></div>

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