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Who Was Who: 5000 BC - 1914 Biographical Dictionary of the Famous and Those Who Wanted to Be

<h2> T </h2> TAFT, William Howard, a former fat, and last Republican, president of the United States who worshipped the trusts, the Constitution, the Supreme Court, and Theodore Roosevelt. The love he bore the latter resulted in his election. The two brothers quarreled because Bill would not step aside and let Teddy run things all over again. The two brothers fought and another ran away with the election. Principal events during T.'s administration: Roosevelt's trip, The Outlook, Oyster Bay, Standard Oil, That election. Ambition: 1916. Recreation: Golf, messages to Congress. Address: Cincinnati, O. Epitaph: How Sharper Than A Serpent's Tooth It Is To Have A Thankless Predecessor. TANGLEFOOT, he was the man who first stuck flies on flypaper. TANGUWAY, Eva, an actress who did not care even if those on the front row did. TENNYSON, Lord, an English poet who turned a perpetual light on a charging brigade. TERRY, Ellen, a dear old lady whom the world wishes the footlights might always shine upon and upon whom the curtain would never descend. THAW, Harry K., famous lawyer endower. Entered life as the rich son of a wealthy father. Became interested in the stage at an early age, but only got as far as the chorus. Later performed on a New York roof garden. Alienists say he was the sanest crazy man and the craziest sane man who ever lived. Also obtained some publicity by expensive exploring in Canada and New Hampshire. Ambition: Wreaths for Jerome. Recreation: Straightening jackets. Address: See this morning's paper. THEMISTOCLES, a Greek warrior who fought, but did not run a marathon. THIRD, Richard the, a king of England who showed how much he thought of the country by offering to exchange it for any kind of a horse. THUMB, Thomas, a white pygmy who enriched himself through his misfortunes and the curiosity of the world. TIBERIUS, just a Roman emperor who fitted the job. TIFFANY,(12) of New York City, London, and Paris. Introduced high prices into the jewelry business. Greatly admired by fiance's and millionaires. Has gained considerable fame, as his products will pawn on a good margin. Ambition: A man in love. (12) Ed. Note: This is not an advertisement, as the editor is not an actress. TIME, Father, a very old man who has been introduced to everybody. Very unpopular with the ladies. A great wound and sorrow healer, but unkind to the old. He went about the world changing babies into men and women, and placing gray hair and wrinkles where they were never wanted. Author: Of tears. Recreation: Reaping. Address: Your home. Epitaph: Ad Finem. TINTORETTO, a Venetian painting manufacturer. Together with P. P. Rubens he held the record for covering canvas and wearing out brushes. Recreation: He never had any. TITIAN, another painter of Venice. His works have always been popular with the men. They are exhibited in all European galleries, and cause consternation among clergymen and school teachers. T. certainly could paint. Ambition: Models. Recreation: Models. TOLSTOY, a voice out of the dark. TOM. (See Richard and Harry.) TOM, Uncle, an old negro actor who appeared in every city, town, village, and hamlet in the United States north of the Confederate States. His history was written by Mrs. H. B. Stowe, and was the match which kindled the Civil War. The Northerners have since learned that all negroes are not Uncle Toms, and are wondering whether any mistakes were made back in 1861. TOURISTS, T. H. E., a man and woman who carried a camera, bought post-cards, read Baedekers, visited Cook's office, rode in carriages, and then told their friends all about the trip. Ambition: Just one look at everything. Address: Principally Europe. Epitaph: They Came, They Saw, They Vanished. TROY, Helen of, a peach of a girl who eloped with a man and caused the longest siege in history to make her elope back again. TURNER, J. M. W., an English painter whose paint exploded on canvas. TWAIN, Mark, an American who wore long white hair, made after-dinner speeches, received university degrees, and made people laugh. TWINS, Siamese, two men who were closer than brothers. TWIST, Oliver, one of those unfortunates whose history had to be divulged for the financial gain of a great writer and many theatrical mangers. <h2> U </h2> UFFIZI, an Italian who prevented scores of the old masters from starving to death by filling his house in Florence with their canvases. Since the Morgan art raid the market price has advanced and U.'s investment has become profitable. ULYSSES, warrior, inventor, and traveler. Sprang into fame at the siege of Troy, where he invented the horse which recaptured Helen. Escaped from Polyphemus, a one-eyed giant, by sticking a burning telegraph pole in his eye. Later performed his greatest feat by evading the Sirens. Stayed away from home so much his wife forgot what he looked like. His dog, however, recalled the scent and prevented U. from sleeping in the barn. Press Agent: Homer. Recreation: Travel, wars. Address: Ithaca. UNDERWOOD, Oscar, known as Underwood Bill. A gentleman from Alabama who walked in a presidential, but ran in a senatorial, race. He had something to do with the high cost of tariffing. UNKNOWN, the man who painted thousands of pictures in art galleries. <h2> V </h2> VALESQUEZ, Spanish canvas coverer. In the absence of the camera, he was appointed the court oil photographer. Exposed a portrait of Philip IV in every gallery in the world. Art textbooks think a great deal of V. VANDERBILT, an American family of means who possess a few railroads, much of New York City, some splendid divorces, and a weakness for Newport and newspapers. VAN DYKE, beard inventor and artist. A Dutchman who invaded England with portraits and his tonsorial achievement. VAN HOUTEN. He was the man who put cocoa in tin boxes. VENUS, a dream of a girl who lived long ago, posed for her statue, and had to die after everybody fell in love with her. Was born and painted at sea. Married at an early age. Was a regular heart breaker. V. had an affair with one Adonis, and later with Vulcan. Not much is known of her old-ladyhood, as she refused to pose for statues when advanced in years. Ambition: Parisian gowns, the love of the gods. Recreation: Love. Address: The Louvre, Paris. The Uffizi Gallery, Florence. Clubs: She was too good looking to be a suffragette. VERSONNESE, Paul, decorator of the Doges Palace, Venice, and contributor to most galleries. His work was nearly as prolific as Reubens, and two or three of his paintings compare favorably with the naughty Titian. VESPASIAN, the man who built the colosseum in Rome for the tourists. VESPUCCI, A., an enterprising journalist who arrived on the scene after the discovery had been made. V. wrote the story in such a clever manner he succeeded in cheating the discoverer out of naming the place. (See Columbus.) VICTOR, he was the man who put the fox terrier in front of the talking machine. VINCI, Leonardo Da, painted Mona Lisa for the Louvre, Paris. His reputation has soared in proportion to the duration of her absence. Ambition: To be the Morgan family painter. Recreation: Looking for purchasers. Epitaph: He Has Finished His Last Supper. VIRGIL, an old text-book writer. Had something to do with the AEneid. VIRGIN, Vestal, an old maid of Rome who was locked up in the forum for protection. She attended the gladiatorial contests and played with her thumbs. VITUS, Saint, dancing master whose repertoire did not include the turkey trot. VOLTAIRE, a Frenchman who went around with a bad taste in his mouth. VULCAN, fireman and tinsmith. Made a number of celebrated forgings. Had a career like the ancients and fell in love with Venus. <h2> W </h2> WAGNER, Dick, a Dutchman who wrote a few sheets of music, went into the opera business, but died before the good singers or Hammerstein prices appeared. WALKER, Johnnie, 1820. Spent most of his life at your favorite bar until you appeared. WALTON, Isaac, he was the fellow who started those awful fish stories. WASHINGTON, George, child model, father, etc. Spent early days chopping trees, holding conversations with his father, killing Indians, and being brave. Later he drove those tea-selling Englishmen from the United States, said farewell to his troops, and became a politician. W. decided he was not good enough for a third term and retired. His picture has been widely distributed. Ambition: To be the happy father of a big Uncle Sam. Recreation: Powdering his wig. Address: Washington. Clubs: Anti-Ananias. WASHINGTON, Booker T., only a distant relation of the above. A big black man who went about the country raising money to put brains into ivory. He also told his audience how unfortunate they were in not being coons. (See Uncle Tom.) WATSON, Doctor. He boswelled Sherlock Holmes. WEBSTER, Dan., an American statesman and a member of Congress before the invention of investigating committees. He died famous. WEBSTER, Noah, speller, writer, reference-book maker, and language itemizer. W. was the man to whom Mark Twain paid a glowing tribute by saying he was a great writer, but his stories were too short. WELLINGTON, Duke of, an Englishman who taught a great French general to say "Tout est perdu." He later taught England that many a good soldier makes a poor politician. WHITEHEAD, of Fiume, Austria. Mission in life was to reduce the size of dreadnaughts. WHITTINGTON, Richard, proprietor of a celebrated back-fence walker. WIDOW, Merry, a dream who hung around Mr. Maxim's restaurant in Paris, made love to nobility, toured the world, and finally died. Death was caused by overexertion. Before the war she was engaged to a Balkan prince. W. visited New York, London, and Paris. Everybody fell in love with her and whistled her praises. Past: (?) Press Agent: Frank Lehar. Ambition: Millionaires. Recreation: After 11.45 P. M. Epitaph: When Will There Be Another Like Her? WIGGS, Mrs., a woman who successfully advertised cabbages. WILLIAMS. He was the man who ruined the shaving-mug business. WILSON, Puddin' Head, a young lawyer who was fathered by Mark Twain. No relation to the following. WILSON, Woodrow, one time president of an American football, educational institution, who outgrew his job. He moved up to be governor, made a few cure-all speeches, introduced Roosevelt to Bryan, changed his address to Washington. Took out a watchful, waiting policy. Is now in Who's Who, but whether he will remain in that publication or this one cannot be determined at the time of going to press. Ambition: To keep Roosevelt and Bryan running. Recreation: Teaching, Browning, other brain exercises, thinking, Congress. Address: Washington, care Joseph Tumulty. Clubs: Pedagogue, Mexican. WINSLOW, Mrs., known over the world as the lady who soothes the baby's little tummie. WONDERLAND, Alice of, traveless discoveress. Made a lady of the Royal Geographical Society. She was a great favorite of the children and many grown ups. She always will remain a Who's Whoess. WOOLSEY, Cardinal, a churchman who combined politics with his profession, became wealthy, unfortunate, and was finally written up by Shakespeare. WRIGHT, Orville, one of the inventors of the aeroplane who knows the inside of the business, and believes one life on the ground is worth two in the air. <h2> X(13) </h2> <h3> (13) Ed. Note: The editor is again compelled to apologize for the X's. </h3> XENOPHON, a Greek who endeavored to introduce morals into his country. He died young. XYLOPHONES, inventor of the xylophone. <h2> Y </h2> YALE, Eli, founder of the enemy of Harvard and Princeton. Football, pipe, and bulldog fancier. YORICK, an acquaintance of Hamlet who was recognized even in an emaciated condition. YOUNG, Brigham, the man who introduced Mohammedanism into the United States and placed Utah on the flag. When a young man he became a strong anti-monogamist. Moved west with his wives. Utah increased in population and was admitted as a state. After building a great temple, dedicated to Hymen, he died, leaving a considerable family and a few widows. Heirs: See Utah census. Ambition: London and New York in Utah. Address: Utah. Clubs: Race Suicide. Epitaph: Like Father, Like Son. <h2> Z </h2> ZANGWELL, Israel, a child of the Ghetto who believed the pen was more profitable than the pack. Ambition: The Promised Utopia. Recreation: Zangwell plays. Address: The Ghetto. Clubs: A. O. H. ZANY, A., the book reviewer who said Who Was Who was the greatest book ever written. ZEPPELIN, Ferdinand, manufacturer of wrecked dirigibles, and an aeronaut who knew how to land. Insurance still in vogue. Ambition: The elevation of the German army. Recreation: Aeronautics with the Kaiser. Address: Air. Clubs: Aero. ZOROASTER. He was the man who introduced fires into warm countries. He also thanks the readers in the name of the Editor for their kind attention. <div style="break-after:column;"></div>

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